Cornell

OP-ED: Hey Ryan, So Like Now That You’re On Sabbatical, I Was Wondering If You’d Like To Maybe Hang Out Sometime Soon? We Can Grab Coffee On Friday Haha. I’m Sort Of Behind On Rent So If You Could Pay That Would Be Cool

Nooz Staff1 week ago1 week ago03 mins

MY APARTMENT—I was thinking, like, wow, we’ve known each other for so long, and I’d like for us to get closer. There’s this unspoken bond between us, where I write articles about you, and you don’t really acknowledge them because flirting with a student “isn’t appropriate”, but I know you enjoy the attention. I remember…

Report: Vitamin D Supplements Doing Little to Hinder Bleak, Hopeless Future

Nooz Staff2 weeks ago2 weeks ago02 mins

CORNELL HEALTH— In the throes of a bleak and frigid January, Cornell’s population is, as always, seeking relief from the effects of seasonal depression. Vitamin D supplements, although their effectiveness as an antidepressant is contested, are one popular and accessible countermeasure to the inescapable darkness of the winter months. Unfortunately, experts warn that dietary supplementation…

"Yeah, those guys were brothers here, but they already graduated."

Op-Ed: Frat Won’t Let Me into Halloweekend Party Even Though I Can Name Dahmer, Bundy, and All 45 of Their Victims

Nooz Staff3 months ago3 months ago03 mins

These frat doormen are on a serious power trip. For my three years at Cornell, I’ve been sold the lie that if I can name enough people at a fraternity’s front door, then they’ll let me into their party. Well, this Halloween I was still denied entry even though I can name Dahmer, Bundy, and…

“All class materials are included in CAMP,” Says Professor About to Make You Pay $75 for Their Textbook “Historiography of Antidisestablishmentarianism in Bovine Bookshelves Across Diasporic Communities”

Nooz Staff5 months ago5 months ago02 mins

GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Professor James was happy to announce in his class on Friday that “all class materials are included in CAMP.” He was, of course, mere moments away from making each and every student pay $75 for his textbook, Historiography of Antidisestablishmentarianism in Bovine Bookshelves Across Diasporic Communities. His new book, which fills a critical…

NOOZ VIEWS: CU Nooz Editorial Board Endorses Folk/Bluegrass Category on Slope Day Survey

Nooz Staff5 months ago5 months ago02 mins

The first Slope Day Survey dropped this week, kicking off months of deliberation to decide who Cornell will pay for students to black out and not see. Past years have featured a vast array of artists with one song you kind of know, most of which produce pop, rap, or EDM music. The genres of…

New Top Load Washers Claim First Victim

Nooz Staff5 months ago5 months ago02 mins

DONLON HALL—What started as a routine laundry day quickly turned into a spin cycle of chaos when Jacob Yates ‘28 found himself headfirst in the dorm’s new top-load washing machine. Yates was attempting to retrieve “the world’s most elusive sock” when he leaned in too far and fell squarely into the machine’s dark grasp. Yates…

Please, I’m So Hungry: CU Print on Page 3 out of 11

Nooz Staff5 months ago5 months ago03 mins

URIS—Amidst the hubbub of the evening exodus from campus libraries as students wrapped up their studying for the night, one student remained trapped in a purgatory of his own making: his print job was less than 30 percent of the way done. As the vile machine cranked out inch by agonizing inch, Johnny Keagan ’26…

OP-ED: Fuck, Time to Scrap That “Worker’s Rights” Theme Year

Nooz Staff5 months ago5 months ago02 mins

As the newly appointed president of Cornell University, I know I have many challenges coming my way. With tensions rising across college campuses, I have to act quickly. That is why the absolute most important thing for me to do on the first day on the job is to brainstorm a new theme year. I…

Freshman from England Used to Eating Inedible Food

Nooz Staff5 months ago5 months ago03 mins

MORRISON DINING—In just their first week on campus, freshmen have been subjected to unsavory dining hall food due to the ongoing strike of Cornell Dining workers. In response, many of these new students and their parents have taken to social media to express their frustrations. One student, however, doesn’t seem to mind the new dining…

Brace Faced Nerd Clocktower to Wear Headgear All Summer

Nooz Staff10 months ago5 months ago02 mins

MCGRAW TOWER—Despite hoping for a fresh-faced, clean-toothed summer, McGraw Tower ‘1891 recently discovered it must spend Slope Day with its headgear still intact. This news came as a shock to the Cornell community, who now had no choice but to see the clocktower as a massive geek. According to Orthodontist John Stern, Tower possesses “teeth…

United States Pulls Out of Global Weather Cycle

When2Meet Fraud? No Way Friendless Outcast Club Member Is Busy on Friday After 8

Practical Application! Physics Student Recalls “Fg=Mg” Right Before Eating Shit On Icy Sidewalk

Study: Burnout Most Common Among Stupid Kids

“Silly Drink Paint Thursdays” Revealed To Be Hazing All Along

Doing The Robot: Students Sext ChatGPT This Valentine’s Day

OP-ED: Hey Ryan, So Like Now That You’re On Sabbatical, I Was Wondering If You’d Like To Maybe Hang Out Sometime Soon? We Can Grab Coffee On Friday Haha. I’m Sort Of Behind On Rent So If You Could Pay That Would Be Cool

Report: Vitamin D Supplements Doing Little to Hinder Bleak, Hopeless Future

Op-Ed: Frat Won’t Let Me into Halloweekend Party Even Though I Can Name Dahmer, Bundy, and All 45 of Their Victims

“All class materials are included in CAMP,” Says Professor About to Make You Pay $75 for Their Textbook “Historiography of Antidisestablishmentarianism in Bovine Bookshelves Across Diasporic Communities”

NOOZ VIEWS: CU Nooz Editorial Board Endorses Folk/Bluegrass Category on Slope Day Survey

New Top Load Washers Claim First Victim

Please, I’m So Hungry: CU Print on Page 3 out of 11

OP-ED: Fuck, Time to Scrap That “Worker’s Rights” Theme Year

Freshman from England Used to Eating Inedible Food

Brace Faced Nerd Clocktower to Wear Headgear All Summer