Admitted Students Blockade Strait of Morrison Stir Fry

MORRISON DINING—In a dramatic escalation of Cornell Days tensions, Morrison’s vital Stir Fry Corridor has been shut down by a horde of admitted students and accompanying family members. The Class of 2030 Blockade represents the newest development in a region with a troubled history. “Passage through the strait was always precarious,” noted Morrison relations expert…

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“I Don’t Think They’re Talking About the Language Anymore”: Concerns Grow about Friend Pursuing Italian Minor

MORRISON DINING—For months, Nathan Reed ’26 has spoken passionately about pursuing an Italian minor. His peers recall him using phrases like, “I’m learning so much,” and “I’ve really been enjoying my minor.” Two of his friends, Joy Nguyen ’26 and Eric Walters ’26, assumed he was just really into the language, but they soon realized…

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Programming Board Announces Roster of AI Musicians for First Annual Slop Day

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In an Instagram post Thursday morning, the Slope Day Programming Board revealed that Cornell’s iconic spring music concert will henceforth be headlined entirely by AI-generated artists. The group also promised to update the name of the beloved event accordingly. The news was met with considerable disappointment from the Cornell community, especially from those…

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Club Members Force Feed Students 20 Cold Chicken Sandwiches to Meet Fundraiser Quota

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—As club finances have begun to run out, organizations around campus have been getting desperate in their attempts to gather funding. Certain organizations have been taking especially unique approaches. Particularly aggressive clubs have resorted to tackling passersby and shoving multitudes of stale, cold, chicken sandwiches down their throats. “One moment I was on…

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Idiot Professor Points to Blank Screen After iPad Shuts Off

ROCKEFELLER HALL—Educators are tasked with a plethora of growing challenges that have emerged with technological development: trying to mitigate the use of artificial intelligence,  navigating online assignments and grading, and attempting to implement the latest technology into their lectures.  Associate Professor Sasha James completely reformatted her course after several negative reviews online criticizing what she…

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