KLARMAN HALL—In today’s 10:10 AM Linear Algebra lecture, one enterprising student chose to sit at the very edge of the lecture hall, removing access to an entire stretch of perfectly good middle seats.
The student, identified as Mike Stevens ‘29, arrived ten minutes early to claim the spot with maximum foot traffic and potential for lap dances. When questioned, he told reporters, “I could sit in the middle to make everyone’s life easier, but then I wouldn’t have the opportunity to make people awkwardly shimmy over me and my belongings.” He went on to say, “Until college, my life was sadly lap-dance free. But the packed lecture halls have increased my interactions with other people’s asses.”
Stevens spent the next 15 minutes watching as people came into the class, moving his backpack into increasingly obstructing positions. Unfortunately for him, the mid-November lecture attendance meant there were plenty of other seats for students to choose. At the end, he was disappointed that no one had gotten close to his crotch.
