FOREST HOME — Weeks after leaving their hometowns, an unprecedented number of reinvigorated students have surprised staff with an overflowing enthusiasm to train and learn, striving to be the very best, like no one ever was. Faculty report record high class attendance and engagement, as more students than ever have been taking pictures of lecture…
STUDENT CENTER — Thousands of members of the class of 2020 attempted to enroll in the 10:10 lecture of Introductory Macroeconomics this morning, however they found it filled up too quickly and oh boo hoo you sad fucks, you didn’t get a class you wanted. “Now that I’ve been locked out of one class for…
OLIN HALL — Finishing up yet another assignment for his Introduction to Python course, rising sophomore Jordan Noble is acing his summer classes while, at the same time, failing at summer vacation. “The course is going really well, I love the professor and the homeworks are pretty fun!” said Noble as all his peers were…
By a senior. Wow. Four years. Four years ago, I was an innocent and oblivious freshman, not knowing what college was going to be like and getting lost on the first day of class. I didn’t have a clue what I was getting myself into. And yet look how far I’ve come; in a few…
BAKER HALL — Undergraduate Teaching Assistant for CHEM 2070 and local sack of shit Jenna Liu cancelled her regular office hours this week for a so-called “family emergency,” neglecting her duties to many passionate, hard-working chemistry students. “I don’t care what elderly relative is in the hospital, I need her to finish my problem set…
OLIN LIBRARY — Those people tossing around a frisbee on the arts quad are probably having a lot of fun, even though I have to stay in the library. I’m going to look back down at my work now. Oh look they’re eating something. Are those chocolate chip cookies? Probably. But it’s too bad I…
LANCASTER, PENNSYLVANIA — Dana Harrington, mother of Jackson Whiting ‘18, expressed concern after receiving a call from her worry-free, unstressed son, who sounded completely content with his college experience instead of anxious and full of self-doubt like he’s supposed to be. “Something was definitely wrong. Jackson sounded happy and fully rested,” said Harrington, who sent…
LARKSPUR, COLORADO — Recently admitted student Jacob Gerritsen was excited to graduate last Spring after using the 32 AP exams he took in high school, placing him out of every class in his Economics major. “Honestly, I was kind of hoping to actually take some classes, but I guess this is alright,” said the prospective…
LOS ANGELES, CA — Hollywood has been abuzz this week as legendary director Steven Spielberg has announced he will be directing his new film Archaeology 2140 on Cornell University’s campus, starring none other than Academy Award-Nominated Actor Harrison Ford. Amblin Entertainment reports principal photography will begin next semester on-location in Uris Hall, with the film…
IVES HALL – Following a poor grade on his latest ILR prelim, Lenny Holt ’18 was reported as feeling surprisingly okay, under the realization that a bad grade wasn’t going to ruin his life and there were worse situations to be in. Given this new perspective, Holt allegedly went on to take a deep breath…
