Administration

Martha Pollack Transfers Entire Endowment To Bitcoin After Reading Some Articles on Reddit

Nooz Staff7 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL—Following a late night spent pounding Monster Energy drinks and poring over /r/Cryptocurrency, President Martha Pollack unveiled her plan this Friday to fix the University’s poor endowment returns by converting it all to Bitcoin. Pollack announced her decision in a university-wide email sent at 3:57 AM. “Some of you may criticize me for choosing…

Freshman Unsure Which Washing Machine Full of Cornell T-Shirts is Hers

Nooz Staff7 years ago01 mins

LOW RISE 6—Freshman Rachel Xiong’s first attempt at doing laundry since coming to college was brought to a halt yesterday after she could not determine which load of red and gray Cornell t-shirts belonged to her. “It’s a complete disaster. I put all my clothes in there—Arts and Sciences T-shirts for daily wear, Big Red…

New Greek Life Rules Say Hazing Can Only Occur in Annexes

Nooz Staff7 years ago7 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL—The Cornell administration released sweeping new restrictions on Greek life featuring a rule that bans hazing inside of residential chapter houses, but would probably let that stuff slide in annexes. “I understand that there is a deep and storied history of new member education in Greek houses, but this rule is an important step…

President Rawlings Seeks Résumé Critique at Career Services

Nooz Staff9 years ago9 years ago02 mins

BARNES HALL — Preparing for his re-entry into the unemployment pool this summer, President Rawlings solicited a member of career services to critique his résumé. “Now that I’ll be looking for a job again, I thought it would be best for someone to make sure everything is up to date and correctly formatted,” said President…

Report: Current Rise in Tuition Levels Will Lead to Unsustainable Campus by 2024

Nooz Staff9 years ago8 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL — Following the Cornell Board of Trustees vote to increase tuition by 3.75%, a team of financial wellness scientists released a report detailing how, if tuition levels continue to grow at the current rate, Cornell’s campus will be unable to support students in just seven years. “While a higher tuition will help fund…

Title IX Investigations Keep Piling Up In University’s Spam Folder

Nooz Staff9 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL — A recent report by the U.S. Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights, which named Cornell the university with the highest number of active Title IX investigations, has landed atop a growing heap of Title IX emails in the university’s spam folder. “Initially, I was pleasantly surprised by how bare the Cornell…

Martha E. Pollack Welcome Party Clearly Planned With Someone Else in Mind

Nooz Staff9 years ago01 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT — Following invitations to ‘Celebrate our next female president,’ the Cornell Democrats’ welcome party for Cornell’s newly announced 14th president Martha E. Pollack seems planned with someone else clearly in mind. “A lifelong fighter for children and families, from her time at Wellesley College in the 1960s to her recent term as Secretary…

Rawlings Warns Grad Students That Union Might Give Them Brief Glimmer of Happiness

Nooz Staff9 years ago9 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL – In response to a major push at Cornell toward forming the first graduate student union in the school’s history, Interim President Hunter Rawlings III sent an email out earlier today warning the university that unionizing would offer Masters and PhD students a brief glimmer of hope and happiness unseen since beginning their…

Administration Pretty Stoked Everybody Seems to Have Forgotten About Health Fee

Nooz Staff9 years ago9 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL – Today, over a year and a half since the Gannett Health Fee was enacted, reports indicate that the university administrators are pretty stoked that everybody seems to have outright forgotten about the fee, which at the time incited anger and protests from students opposed to the unnecessary bursar charge. “Nobody is really…

Much-Needed Extra Seating Almost Added To Klarman Atrium

Nooz Staff9 years ago02 mins

ARTS QUAD — After being dumped on the Arts Quad and deemed as “close enough,” a large pile of much-needed seating for Klarman Hall almost made it to its destination this week. “We got really close,” said Facilities Manager James Alwin. “I mean, a few hundred more yards and we would’ve made it into Klarman…

Stampeding OurBus Herd Crushes Unsuspecting Subaru

Aww! Discussion Section Classmate Says First Words

Cornell Republicans Blame Radical Left for Shutdown of Morrison Dole Whip Machine

National Guard Numbers Dwindle as Troops Assimilated into Greater Portland Polycule

Flipped Classroom Professor Not Sure What’s Going On, Asks If You Have Any Idea

Senior Still in Model UN Working Towards Killer Common App Resume

Martha Pollack Transfers Entire Endowment To Bitcoin After Reading Some Articles on Reddit

Freshman Unsure Which Washing Machine Full of Cornell T-Shirts is Hers

New Greek Life Rules Say Hazing Can Only Occur in Annexes

President Rawlings Seeks Résumé Critique at Career Services

Report: Current Rise in Tuition Levels Will Lead to Unsustainable Campus by 2024

Title IX Investigations Keep Piling Up In University’s Spam Folder

Martha E. Pollack Welcome Party Clearly Planned With Someone Else in Mind

Rawlings Warns Grad Students That Union Might Give Them Brief Glimmer of Happiness

Administration Pretty Stoked Everybody Seems to Have Forgotten About Health Fee

Much-Needed Extra Seating Almost Added To Klarman Atrium