CRETE, GREECE—Reports from the headquarters of Wings Over Crete, a chicken restaurant and fierce competitor of Collegetown’s Wings Over Ithaca, indicate that the company’s stock is in free fall after a series of hubristic business decisions.
“Their new wings are way too hot,” complained Tess Sitamaran ‘27. “And I don’t like this gross wax that they started sealing their bags with.”
Wings Over Crete, known for inventive flavors like its signature “Half-Buffalo Blend”, reported soaring profits in the previous three quarters. Yet, in what financial analysts have termed “textbook hamartia”, the company’s choice to pursue a vertical expansion program has sent them hurtling towards an ocean of complaints from customers and shareholders alike.
“I’m shocked. I expressly forbade the executive board from expanding into any other sectors,” said angel investor Alexander Minos. “Deliveries were supposed to be off-limits, by land AND by sea. They’re just not competitive in a gig economy.”
By current projections, Wings Over Crete may be facing bankruptcy by the end of the year. Oliviero Cocalus, a Wings Over Ithaca spokesperson, called the news “cathartic”.
“It definitely takes some pressure off us,” explained Cocalus. “The restaurant business is always competitive, but it’s just been a giant maze to navigate ever since they showed up. Still, we wish them the best.” Cocalus sighed and shook his head. “It’s a tragedy, really.”
