WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—As club finances have begun to run out, organizations around campus have been getting desperate in their attempts to gather funding. Certain organizations have been taking especially unique approaches. Particularly aggressive clubs have resorted to tackling passersby and shoving multitudes of stale, cold, chicken sandwiches down their throats.
“One moment I was on my way to the dining hall, and the next thing I knew I was being told to open wide,” explains victim Samuel Ortega ‘28. Several students have detailed similar experiences, noting it left them feeling somewhat violated, full, and confused. “Usually if I just walk really really fast they give up on trying to get me to support their club,” Ortega sighed. “But on the bright side, I didn’t have to eat at Okenshields afterwards.”
“It’s actually a very efficient practice,” stated Elaina Zadia ‘27, one of the students fundraising for her business fraternity’s Four Seasons social.“We found that when we were asking students if they wanted a sandwich, it was taking too long to get rid of our supply. With this tactic, we sell out in mere minutes, and I’m able to go back to my dorm earlier!” Evidently, the strange behavior seems to be linked to the desire of these club members to escape Willard Straight and no longer be subjected to the humiliation of being ignored by fellow students.
These clubs are said to still be lurking in lobbies, waiting for their next victim. This afternoon Zadia was found ominously whispering, “40 more sandwiches to go…”
