MORRISON DINING HALL— With nearly 4,000 students matriculating into Cornell’s Class of 2029, the entire student body has felt the effects of this massive influx: forced triple and quadruple dorms, long lines at service centers, and—perhaps worst of all—dining halls packed around the clock. With the infrastructure clearly unable to handle so many students, Cornell’s administration has taken decisive action.
This past week, Cornell Dining, in collaboration with Cornell Health, announced that it will implement “Raw Chicken Wednesdays” on all North Campus eateries to help naturally reduce the freshman population to sustainable levels. “We are confident that Raw Chicken Wednesdays will foster resilience and gastrointestinal fortitude in those who make it,” said Marianne Keller, a spokesperson for Cornell Dining. Upon questioning, Keller offered no clarification on her statement, instead gesturing at a suspiciously pink tray of poultry. She then explained that if the new policy did not have its intended effect, Cornell would introduce “Unpasteurized Milk Mondays” and “Unwashed Produce Weekends.”
At press time, a Cornell Health employee was seen disposing of usable antibacterial medications, muttering about how “natural selection needs to run its course.”
