NORTH CAMPUS—For Skylar Rawlins ‘29, joining a fraternity has always been the plan. For years, he’s looked forward to the camaraderie and lasting memories that brotherhood would instill in him. Now, however, it seems like he may be having second thoughts.
Recent eyewitness accounts describe Rawlins as appearing severely injured, with a black eye appearing on his face, and significant bruising throughout his torso.
“It’s honestly nothing,” Rawlins laughed rather nervously, glancing around as if looking for someone. “The guys at the house just like to play a little rough sometimes. A little hazin— I mean brotherhood bonding never hurt anyone.”
Ezra Starling, the president of Alpha Nu Pi, is adamant that the hazing allegations have no merits: “No. Absolutely not. These hands don’t haze,” Sterling insisted, holding up his palms as if approaching a skittish animal. “These legs, maybe sometimes. These knees, straight into pledges’ spleens. And every once in a while, when a pledge messes up the house chant, I get to use my belt. But no, never my hands. That would be hazing. And we don’t do that.”
“This is what college is about,” reiterated Rawlins, who appeared to be missing several incisors.
At press time, Starling was seen shopping online for a pair of steel-toed boots.
