WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In an Instagram post Thursday morning, the Slope Day Programming Board revealed that Cornell’s iconic spring music concert will henceforth be headlined entirely by AI-generated artists. The group also promised to update the name of the beloved event accordingly.
The news was met with considerable disappointment from the Cornell community, especially from those delusional enough to believe their favorite artists might feature in the event. The programming board, however, defended the decision, claiming it will improve the efficiency of both the artist selection process and the concert itself.
“Not only does this save us money on performers, it’ll make the event much easier,” explained SDPB President Garrett Delgado ‘27. “We won’t have to do the wristbands, or the security, or build the whole stage and the booths and whatnot… everyone can just watch it on their phones. It gets rid of so much hassle; you really gotta wonder why we bothered with in-person stuff in the first place.”
The administration also released a statement in support of the SDPB’s decision. “We believe exposure to cutting-edge technologies educates and enriches our students,” wrote President Michael Kotlikoff. “All the better if those technologies present in uncanny—but admittedly arousing—imitations of the human form, and can also be programmed not to disparage the state of Israel.”
According to the SDPB announcement, students can look forward to musical performances from featured artists cross-cut with videos of sobbing kittens in the middle of busy streets and startled animals scrabbling wildly in place. For those attending the in-person venue, food tickets will be available for purchase, though water is expected to be in short supply.
