UNASSUMING VALLEY—Residents have started to express worry about the integrity of a nearby dam after construction crews arrived this past Tuesday with jackhammers, explosives, and a wrecking ball.
“We were promised this quirky hole-in-the-wall restaurant that would be unique and totally charming,” said Marianne Petrovski, a local schoolteacher and mother of approximately two. “When the business owners approached us, they were all like, ‘this food is to die for,’ and we were all like, ‘yeah sure,’ but I’m starting to think they weren’t being hyperbolic.”
Many residents are beginning to question whether it is safe, practical, or economical to smash a gaping hole in the dam holding back trillions of gallons of water. Those overseeing the project feel as if the public’s hesitation is overexaggerated and unwarranted.
“Yeah, yeah, we’re going to spring a little leak, but listen, that’s a-okay,” asserted Tyler “Zip” Zamboni, the foreman overseeing the demolition crew. “It’s a small price to pay for delicious Indo-Afro-Eurasian fusion, and quite frankly, this valley needs some culture. It’s so dry nowadays.”
The explosive-laden wrecking ball is set to swing on Thursday. Residents are advised to remain calm and learn how to hold their breath for a week or two.
