WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—Bryn Russell ‘21 got out of bed early this morning so she could have time to drink the coffee provided for Slope Day volunteers before the festivities began. “I’ve been pounding back espresso shots since 6am,” said Russell. “I want to make sure I’m amped and ready to go by the time I…
DRYDEN—Citing high rent costs and low demand, Collegetown’s newest restaurant will close immediately following opening day. “It’s been quite a run getting the ingredients needed to make our would-be-famous pizza, but unfortunately, I think our time here in Collegetown is done,” said owner Botswana Capri-Sun at the restaurant’s joint grand opening and going out of…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Monday’s already droll introduction to anthropology lecture grinded to a halt yet again due to another one of Kevin’s pedantic questions. To the annoyance of the entire class, the question launched the formerly on-topic professor into a complete and thorough examination of the various hypothetical scenarios and well thought out concerns raised by…
DAY HALL—The Cornell administration released sweeping new restrictions on Greek life featuring a rule that bans hazing inside of residential chapter houses, but would probably let that stuff slide in annexes. “I understand that there is a deep and storied history of new member education in Greek houses, but this rule is an important step…
KLARMAN HALL—Following the debate over whether to change Cornell policy on graduate student relationships with professors, History professor and thesis advisor Corbin Mantelfield ‘77 appeared to be a little too eager to meet with all of his young advisees regarding their theses. When informed about the proposed policy changes, Mantelfield’s advisee Gracie Smertel ‘18 remarked,…
ARTS QUAD—Jumping at the chance to enjoy warm weather in Ithaca, sophomore Ilka Piebald’s excitement quickly turned to dismay after realizing that doing homework outside under a tree actually kinda sucks. “Within two minutes, she was squirming from the discomfort of the oak’s prickly bark against her supple back,” commented observer Chauncey Lemonwink ‘19. “After…
MORRILL HALL—Earlier today, Professor A. Maximus Swaddlebottom sauntered into his 10:10am lecture this morning, claiming he was “totally stoked, fellas” about the previous weekend’s release of The Avengers: Infinity War. “Yeah, I went into it thinking that the Angry Raisinet Man was probably gonna try to eat the moon, but let me just say…he did…
ITHACA, N.Y.—Following the announcement that this year’s convocation speaker will be esteemed filmmaker Ava DuVernay, students gave a collective thumbs-up after looking up her name to find out who she is. “Woah, turns out this Ava DuVernay is a gifted storyteller giving people of color important representation in the film industry,” said Mike Gibbs ’18,…
COLLEGETOWN—Following a money bath and roundtable discussion on how to best avoid fixing clogged sinks, Ithaca landlords commenced their annual withholding of security deposits. “Alright everyone, it’s our favorite time of year again,” said collegetown landlord Steve Faramise, “Let’s all practice listing reasons why our tenants cannot receive their security deposit returns.” Citing excuses such…
STOCKING HALL—Despite having several prominent research groups and dozens of noteworthy undergraduates, the Cornell Food Science department continues to emphasize the almost 60 year old invention of the chicken nugget. “We stake our pride on Professor Robert C. Baker’s work so many years ago to develop one of America’s most prized forms of poultry consumption,”…
