ITHACA, NY – In honor of Cornell’s sesquicentennial, the university registrar has decided to ruin the senior year experience of the Class of 2015 by canceling AMST2001. “Canceling one of the best classes at Cornell next year—famous not only for teaching students about Cornell’s history but also about unifying classes and inspiring a much deeper…
ITHACA- In a surprise announcement Thursday, Slope Day Programming Board named the McGraw Tower Chimes as the headliner for this year’s concert. “I love the Chimes. I listen to them all the time. I hope they play Here Comes the Sun,” said sophomore Amanda Augustin, who conceded that she would be happy if she could…
ITHACA, NY- A recently released file from Edward Snowden has revealed that the NSA participated in a covert data collection operation in order to obtain information regarding student i-Clicker usage. While campus officials have defended this project as a necessary preventative measure, many students are appalled that such superfluous data collection occurred. “I just feel…
ITHACA- Slope Day Programming Board sources confirmed Wednesday that this year’s headlining act would be comedy legend and star of his eponymous show, Jerry Seinfeld. “I was thrilled to hear that we got one of the biggest names in the business,” praised junior Henry Collins of the observational comic. “He wouldn’t…
ITHACA, NY – Campus was abuzz today with Slope Day Programming Board’s announcement that the immensely popular 1960’s folk/rock duo Simon and Garfunkel would be headlining Slope Day 2014. “We got a lot of requests this year, and it was a tough call. More popular solo artists like James Taylor and Neil Young were in…
Listen, Cornell, these past eight years have been great. I mean, like, really great. But I just feel like we’re going in circles. Right now I’m looking for someone who can help me grow, and grow with me, someone like…oh, I don’t know, an official United States museum network. It’s the same thing every year,…
ITHACA, NY — A desperate panic broke out across campus today when a strange orange-yellow disc appeared in the sky. The appearance was marked by a change in the sky as well, as it turned an odd blue color, upsetting students who had grown accustomed to its normal, grey-black color. Students sought support from one…
ITHACA, NY – In a recent press release, the Cornell Fitness department announced that all incoming freshman would be required to pass a synchronized swimming test as an added graduation requirement. The test will include a solo, trio and combo segment (consisting of eight to ten swimmers), and students will be judged on their grace,…
ITHACA, NY – Last night, four residents of Donlon Hall received a JA due to their participation in some good old-fashioned fun. At 11:30 PM, the student’s residential advisor heard what sounded like a shindig, rumpus, or a jamboree coming from down the hall, and immediately contacted the CUPD. Police records confirm that upon arriving…
ITHACA, NY – Cornell freshman Arnold Gimmelstein spent most of Wednesday, March 5 utterly confused. The freshman bio major, who woke believing Wednesday to be an ordinary day, was surprised when he saw hundreds of students with black marks on their foreheads. Sources say that Gimmelstein asked most of his friends what the reason was,…
