GOLDEN CORRAL– This Tuesday, senior Mosby Singer sat alone in Golden Corral’s All-You-Can-Eat-Restaurant-And-Grill (just a short hour and a half ride to the nearest location in Syracuse), nibbling on a “golden delicious shrimp” and crying his eyes out. “I can’t believe I’m alone on Valentine’s Day,” sobbed Singer, seemingly completely unaware that he chose to…
TEMPLE OF ZEUS—In the final hours of Perfect Match’s survey opening, one member of the Class of 2023 decided to try their luck at a college romance three months before leaving Ithaca for good. “Look, I haven’t had a lot of luck in the dating department here at Cornell, okay?” asked Ron Kringle ‘23. “I…
COOL INSURING ARENA- At the most anticipated athletic event of the year, one furry friend failed to live up to expectation. Despite his status as ”Pick of the litter,” the forty pound Wide Retriever, Fido appeared to crumble under the pressure. His fluffy, adorable exterior quickly melted away when it became clear that his football…
ROCKEFELLER HALL–In a shocking public acknowledgment of a policy that has for years gone unspoken, Facilities Management hung a “No Winter Maintenance” sign on the doors of Rockefeller Hall this Friday. Known for its 3 foot wide hallways, “acceptably low” elevator fatalities, and 1994 win of the Fans’ Choice Award from Beige Buildings USA, many…
IVES HALL–On Wednesday afternoon, the students of Introduction to Oceanography received rave reviews from guest speaker Dr. Thomas Rolland. “In my many years of guest lecturing about the beauties and wonders of silt, I have never seen a class more excited or engaged,” declared Rolland. “The moment Professor Monger said that the content of my…
HOLLAND INTERNATIONAL LIVING CENTER—Low Rise 8 residents were completely unaware of the recent campus-wide power outage, due to no apparent change in their daily routine. Students in the oft-forgotten International Living Center have become accustomed to a dorm without lights, and many thought it was the norm for on-campus living.
MARY DONLON HALL—James Woodhouse ‘26, who took eight shots of strawberry lemonade-flavored Svedka prior to attending ClubFest, awoke Monday morning to a pounding headache and hundreds of unopened GroupMe messages and listserv emails from completely unfamiliar organizations. “Oh god, what the fuck happened yesterday?” cried Woodhouse as he peeled laptop stickers off his clothes. “I’ve…
BARTON HALL – During Cornell’s Biannual ClubFest, shocking revelations came to light that US Army ROTC recruiters had been intentionally targeting innocent civilians, with the vast majority of recruiting targets being misidentified by military officials. “That information is classified,” proclaimed Army First Lieutenant James McChad. “While every innocent casualty is a tragedy, the unfortunate truth…
IVES HALL – Last Monday Professor Ponsé released the first homework assignment for “MLM 1110: Genius Business Ideas and Totally Not Illegal Marketing Schemes”: enrolling 10 other students in the class. “Professor Ponsé is a genius,” proclaimed blissfully obtuse freshman Lulu Row. “During the first class she explained that businesses are really just about friendships….
NORTH CAMPUS – Many long-held prayers were finally answered as students were met with dryers that did about as much drying as throwing a towel in the Pacific Ocean upon entering the laundry room to do their first batch of laundry for the semester. “I’m glad the university is finally taking steps towards the things…
