BARTON HALL – During Cornell’s Biannual ClubFest, shocking revelations came to light that US Army ROTC recruiters had been intentionally targeting innocent civilians, with the vast majority of recruiting targets being misidentified by military officials. “That information is classified,” proclaimed Army First Lieutenant James McChad. “While every innocent casualty is a tragedy, the unfortunate truth…
IVES HALL – Last Monday Professor Ponsé released the first homework assignment for “MLM 1110: Genius Business Ideas and Totally Not Illegal Marketing Schemes”: enrolling 10 other students in the class. “Professor Ponsé is a genius,” proclaimed blissfully obtuse freshman Lulu Row. “During the first class she explained that businesses are really just about friendships….
NORTH CAMPUS – Many long-held prayers were finally answered as students were met with dryers that did about as much drying as throwing a towel in the Pacific Ocean upon entering the laundry room to do their first batch of laundry for the semester. “I’m glad the university is finally taking steps towards the things…
CORNELL HEALTH–Calling it a “miracle of modern medicine,” Cornell Health doctors were overjoyed to announce a complete recovery among all students who read the writing on the wall and went to see a legitimate medical institution instead. “At Cornell Health, we’re proud to be the #2 healthcare provider near campus, and #1 without the 7/11…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Future captains of industry in discussion section 312 of ECON 1110 made massive academic headway last week after finally learning the value of a quarter. The super sleuths were finally able to ‘make cents’ out of the cryptic coins whose meaning had long evaded them. “It’s really important to me that I take…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL— In response to a wave of controversial guests from designated hate groups visiting campus, as well as a wave of protests against them, Cornell Centrists have found middle ground by inviting undesignated hate groups instead. “Clearly campus is incredibly divided right now,” claimed Centrist President Brett Nichards ‘23. “On one side, you…
UNIVERSITY AVE—The chapters of Cornell’s Interfraternity Council were left red-faced and teary-eyed after receiving a punishment of elementary proportions. While this majorly minor consequence will have almost no impact on the future operations of campus fraternities, the idea of any form of oversight on Greek organizations has taken a serious toll on many Big Red…
DUFFIELD HALL–In what sources are describing as “the practical joke of the century,” Sam Powers ‘23 has discovered the military industrial complex during the last semester of his engineering degree. “Oh man, they got me good,” said a chuckling Powers. “I spent years eating 3 a.m. Duffield vending machine brinners because I thought my skills…
URIS HALL–Opening her pencil case to reveal a panoply of colors, sophomore Rachel Lee explained to classmates Tuesday how her new 24 pack of 0.5mm diameter Japanese gel pens had greatly improved her studying efficiency. “I’m pre-med, so I’ve pretty much optimized my note-taking,” explained Lee, while pulling a copy of Campbell Biology out of…
WEST CAMPUS— Just one hour before the class is set to begin for the year, the Canvas page for Advanced Economics of Trade remains unviewable on Canvas, sending anxious students into a spiral of paranoia and panic over potential first-class expectations. “Nothing at all? Not even a syllabus?” asked James Allen ‘24. “I have absolutely…
