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ROSE HOUSE– After a surprise run-in with an acquaintance in the hot line at Flora Rose House Dining Room, one particularly affluent student was shocked that one of her friends could possibly have to earn a wage to afford school. “Oh my goodness, I am so sorry,” apologized Ashileigh Kennedy ‘24. “I had no idea….

STEWART AVE—The residents of 522 Stewart Ave were faced with an unprecedented predicament this morning after their night out, which began quite typically, ended with their acquisition of 26 year Duke Construction Company veteran Stanley Jurgis. While the group has plundered other objects in the past, their theft of a fellow human being is a…

NORTH CAMPUS – A Cornell social fraternity proved their commitment to campus safety by becoming the first and only fraternity to pass their fire and safety inspections this year. The brothers claim to have worked very hard to fix up their house, which normally injures dozens each week. “I’m not shocked we passed,” said brother…

We Would Be Together (Which Would Get Me A Lot Of Clout With My Friends Because They Respect Authority) And Imagine The Recognition Walking Around The Arts Quad And Some Gov Major Sees Us And Asks “Isn’t That Ryan Lombardi, Vice President Of Student and Campus Life Of Cornell University And Oversees Over 1,200 Staff…

KEETON HOUSE—English Major Reid Leddy ‘26 found himself both mystified and awed today after receiving a message from someone he believed to be unreachable. Though Leddy’s TA was nowhere nearby, she was able to communicate with Leddy through the Canvas messaging system in order to inform him that he had still not turned in last…

HOLLISTER HALL—Last Wednesday, CUPD discovered the letters stolen from the Cornell University sign on the third floor of Hollister Hall after being tipped off by an anonymous Engineering student who was distressed by the strange geometric symbols.  “We figured literacy would be a good industry skill to work on before the upperclassmen join the workforce,”…