NORTH CAMPUS–In the wake of budget cuts and reprioritization, the one psychiatrist in charge of caring for Cornell’s entire student population has found themselves overwhelmed and unaware of whom they can talk to in a crisis. “Look, there are 25,000 students at this university, and they need adequate mental healthcare,” stated Dr. James Skinner, hand…
CENTRAL CAMPUS—As students adjust to their first few weeks of classes, Cornell’s on-campus organizations have begun their annual recruitment cycles, preparing publicity drives and ClubFest displays designed to attract the school’s best and brightest. While all of these organizations are eager to meet their new members, perhaps none are more enthusiastic than Cornell’s business fraternities,…
FRANK MORRISON HALL—Animal Science Professor Dr. Cleetus Conroy came under fire from campus critics this week after the revelation that his long standing relationship with one of the lab’s research cows began when she was only a calf. While many had looked fondly upon the human-cattle couple, this new discovery has ignited a hotbed of…
BAKER LAB — Students looking to get their PE requirement out of the way quickly have a new option: trekking to the third floor of Baker Lab. While most students opt to casually bowl twice a week to fulfill the University’s Physical Education requirement, those willing to challenge themselves can instead choose to conquer the…
HO PLAZA– In an unforeseen turn of events, the Cornell Store announced early Monday morning that it would be significantly reducing the price of merchandise on a wide array of items at an almost alarming rate. For the first time in the history of profit-driven retail, the store has placed an estimated two/thirds of its…
COMMONS–Following hundreds of allegations that Starbucks is discriminating against workers for their race, gender identity, and sex, the company has responded with a promise to fire all those groups at an equal rate if the company suspects they support the union. “Starbucks is committed to equality,” claimed CEO Howard Schultz. “I hate the idea of…
NORTH CAMPUS–During a wave of midnight calls to RAs following freshmen locking themselves out of their rooms, one new student’s innovation has impressed residential staff campuswide by managing to lock themselves inside their room. “Honestly, this is just impressive,” remarked James Lansing ‘23, an RA in the new Ruth Bader Ginsburg Hall. “We’ve had hundreds…
HELEN NEWMAN HALL—Swim staff were left stunned Thursday after junior Steven Dodson completed five consecutive swim tests in a feat never before achieved nor attempted. Dubbing himself with the aquatic alias of Chlorine Steve, Dodson declared himself the victor of each test after being the first one to exit the pool due to his “superior…
ROBERT PURCELL COMMUNITY CENTER—Despite having known each other for a mere six days, Brian Furman ‘26 and Evan Adames ‘26—the shining stars of a fairly dim orientation group—have already entered into a relationship. “After giving the rest of the group a quick once-over, it was love at first sight,” said Adames. “Bri-Bri and I just…
After lodging in the Stater Hotel during move-in, Dr. Justine Quality-Inn Ph.D. ’94, mother of Alex Quality-Inn ’24, informed her daughter that the hotel was “not bad for Upstate,” but was no match for the hotels Alex will one day inherit. “This is fine, I guess,” says Alex. “My mom told me I should expect…
