Wednesday, September 23, 2026
Disintegrating Professor Gives Mitch McConnell-Esque Peace Sign Before Prelim
OP-ED: I Right You Wrong Here Why
CTB Barista Announces “Big Fat Chungus Sweetberry Surprise” is Ready at the Bar
Mirror Tired of Hearing “I Am A Unique, Talented Writer” Every Morning From Daily Sun Journalist

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Disintegrating Professor Gives Mitch McConnell-Esque Peace Sign Before Prelim
OP-ED: I Right You Wrong Here Why
CTB Barista Announces “Big Fat Chungus Sweetberry Surprise” is Ready at the Bar
Mirror Tired of Hearing “I Am A Unique, Talented Writer” Every Morning From Daily Sun Journalist

CU Nooz

Random Nooz
Headlines

Disintegrating Professor Gives Mitch McConnell-Esque Peace Sign Before Prelim

OP-ED: I Right You Wrong Here Why

CTB Barista Announces “Big Fat Chungus Sweetberry Surprise” is Ready at the Bar

Mirror Tired of Hearing “I Am A Unique, Talented Writer” Every Morning From Daily Sun Journalist

Sprint Football Loses to Faster, More Reliable Verizon Football 

Rush Hashanah

Rush Hashanah!: Fraternity Acknowledges High Holidays by Ensuring All Cocaine is Kosher

Mama’s Cleverest Boy Stumped by Strange Clothes-Washing Machine

Cornell Republican Sheds Red Nose and Polka Dot Romper, Slinks into Suit for Rare ClubFest Metamorphosis

English Department Receives $12 Grant

Level B ‘Underage Tuesdays’ Sees Commercial Success, Legal Ramifications

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Application Discrimination Against Students With Depression Finally Explains Cornell’s Notoriously Good Mental Health

Nooz Staff02 mins

THURSTON AVENUE—In light of accusations that Cornell discriminates against students who disclose mental health struggles in their college applications, students and administrators were excited to finally have a parsimonious explanation for the school’s well-known gaiety. “Friends at other schools always ask me why students at Cornell seem so happy and satisfied with life, and I’ve…

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Idiots Rejoice! Struggling for 20 Minutes to Set Up CU Print Can Now Fulfill Physical Science Requirement

Nooz Staff02 mins

COLLEGE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES–Morons across campus finally won big with the announcement that the task of setting CU Print up on their laptops for a worryingly long period of time can now fulfill the physical sciences distribution requirement. “Fret not, dimwits,” said College of Arts and Sciences Dean Ray Jayawardhana in a statement this…

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Club Who Received 0 Applications Brags About Its Extremely Low Acceptance Rate

Nooz Staff02 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—The beginning of each semester is filled with students vying for acceptances into the ranks of Cornell’s most competitive extracurricular organizations. This semester, the Cornell Startup Fund For High Potential Future Entrepreneurs (CSF^2HPFE) appears to have claimed the title of lowest acceptance rate, after receiving exactly zero applications.  “Every semester we face the…

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Ithaca Beer Co. Promises to Open After Acquiring Gifts of Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh

Nooz Staff02 mins

COLLEGETOWN—Following months of delays since this past summer, Ithaca Beer Co. has promised they will finally open once they’ve acquired gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. “We were hoping the issues we had with acquiring our liquor license would be the last of the obstacles we would encounter,” said owner, Mark Speltz. “I haven’t had…

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OP-ED: I Came To Cornell To Find A Husband But All I Got Was A World-Class Education

Nooz Staff03 mins

Many a year ago, when I still had about me the sprightly air of youth, I had felt myself most fortunate to have secured entrance into a finishing school where I was to polish those homemaking topics which are appropriate to the instruction of a young lady: pianoforte, embroidery, multivariate calculus, continental philosophy, organic chemistry,…

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