OFFICE OF ALUMNI AFFAIRS, COLLEGETOWN–After years of famous alumni and world-renowned figures in the arts, sciences, and government giving speeches at Cornell’s convocation ceremonies, the Cornell administration has finally retired the college tradition, citing a lack of any more notable alumni to speak. A transcript from the last planning session for the convocation ceremony before…
COLLEGETOWN– It was a typical afternoon for Bradley Worcestershire IV, ‘23 when a trip for a salted caramel frappuccino came to halt upon discovering that the Starbucks on College Ave was closed due to an ongoing labor strike being waged by its workers. “It was odd, bro. I couldn’t really get why the workers were…
STATLER HALL—Between bouts of violent, uncontrollable coughing characteristic of either a mild seasonal pollen allergy or the novel coronavirus, senior hotelie Milton Dyer lamented his springtime sniffles. “My allergies are so annoying this time of year,” said Dyer as he audibly struggled to catch his breath. When passed a paper cup of Bordeaux in Wines…
COLLEGETOWN—Facing the horrors of another row of lake-sized potholes, Brad, junior Sarah Mcllroy’s Blue G-Wagon, mustered the courage to beg his driver to spare him, just this once. “I can’t do it anymore,” cried Brad, as a large bump shuddered his very being. “Every time we reach the peak of Williams for that split second…
STEWART AVE—Soon to graduate Bryan Borren ‘22 experienced a matriculation meltdown yesterday while attempting to construct a new Instagram bio. After using “Cornell ‘22” for the last four and a half years, Borren found himself entirely unable to find a new 150 character combination that properly summarized his being. “I’m totally out of options,” explained…
WEST CAMPUS—After being swarmed with questions from friends as to why they missed the massive parties in South Beach last week, members of Pi Pi Delta fraternity explained that a booking error had sent them to party at Miami University of Ohio instead. “Fuck bro, shit happens sometimes” Brad Nolan ‘23 admitted. “I will acknowledge…
MILSTEIN HALL—Armed with SPF 3000, aviator sunglasses, and obnoxiously large hats, hordes of brave architecture students took to the streets with the product of 6 weeks of even less human contact than had they been under quarantine. “It burns!!” Daniel Thomas ‘23 cried as he ran to take shelter from the sun’s unforgiving rays under…
SCARSDALE, NY—Despite being a quintuple legacy of a world class university, recent admit and incoming freshman Warren Dansworth clearly could not get into a better school than this. Following several months of silence as his friends joyously announced acceptances to better schools, Dansworth was quick to share the news of his acceptance to Instagram, expressing…
For years, Cornell University has instituted reckless, unempathetic, totalitarian rule over its students. From old-school behavioral codes to more modern restrictions on dining plans and housing, every aspect of our lives are controlled by Martha’s cackling cabal of campus administrators. Yet one mandate has gone unprotested, undiscussed, and the sheeple refuse to address it in…
MALOTT HALL—In a passionate display of wishy-washy spinelessness, math professor Audrey Cook took the first twenty minutes of her morning lecture to plead with her students to really, really think about whether they should bother handing in their homework. “Listen, I know you all cheered last week when I said you didn’t have to do…
