WEST CAMPUS—Local arsonist Tim Martin ‘25 was flummoxed to discover a collection of women’s profiles in his Perfect Match results rather than kindling equipment this week. Though he kept an open mind throughout the process, Martin ultimately felt that his matches were not what he was looking for. “Unlike a typical match, these women did…
After ten years of proud service as Head Chef of Cornell Dining, Jeremy Rogers finally revealed in a tell-all interview how he bakes his world-famous vegan cookies. According to Rogers, the trick to making his plant-based desserts so delicious has been none other than fresh butter churned right at the Cornell Dairy farm. Rogers explained…
To celebrate the contributions of Black Americans for Black History Month, Cornell Dining has released an all-new menu to Toni Morrison Dining Hall this February. Among the new dishes is an “African-inspired Red Sauce Cheesy Flatbread” that will replace the dining hall’s signature cheese pizza for the remainder of the month. “We wanted to make…
OXLEY EQUESTRIAN CENTER—Out-of-the-box thinker Jenna Locke ‘26 surprised her friends with the truly novel suggestion that they all get together for an afternoon of horseback riding. The large financial burden and immense physical danger that this would impart on the friend group did not occur to Locke, as she already owns a horse. “I’ve been…
COLLEGE AVE—Though Adam Valla ‘25 had high hopes for his new roommate, things have been off to a rocky start. While Valla is pretty sure that his new roommate, Clay Trop ‘24, is just a little timid, he might also desire to cut Valla up into tiny pieces. “Last week he had a friend over…
OLIN LIBRARY—Many library goers were infuriated by the disruptive collapse of the Olin Library ceiling, caused by the excessive construction. However, those who have experienced the relentlessly tedious, pain-in-the-ass ritual that is the coffee chat will understand the relief of Lonnie Roth ‘26 and Mike Juarez ‘27 as their insufferable meeting was cut short by…
MORRISON DINING–As rush came to a close and Cornell’s myriad of Greek life organizations made their final bids, several fraternities found themselves still in search of new members. “We were expecting a real jungle juice of pledges,” said Gentry Lancaster ‘25, president of Phi Omega Omega. “But, bro, we barely got a shot’s worth. Most…
STEWART AVE—Kyle Wilson 24’ had only just returned from winter break when he discovered a putrid goop oozing from his kitchen microwave. “It had the aroma of warm fecal matter with notes of cinnamon,” recounted Wilson, a current Wines student. “I called the landlord four times before getting through–by that point, the leak had burned…
THURSTON AVE—The start of the new year brings the start of a new rush cycle. Cornellians enter mortal combat to join illustrious and historic organizations such as Pi Omega Omega and Pi Epsilon Epsilon. But what of those who hesitate? After all, some are unsure about spending cash for friends. For those individuals, the brotherhood…
COLLEGETOWN — After a full month of having Collegetown’s eclectic apartments to themselves, local cockroaches have reported record-breaking excitement surrounding their humans’ return. Despite the many benefits of student absence, including a noticeable drop in average household stress levels and the clearing of an ever-present strawberry vape cloud, many roaches still just miss having their…
