Major Cornell Major Tournament Round IV
See Enlarged Bracket Vote here It’s the Elite 8! Vote to keep your favorite major alive in the tournament!
Uncategorized
Read More
Candidate Interrupts Couple’s Breakup to Ask for SA Election Vote
LIBE CAFE— Desperate to reach more voters last-minute to clinch the SA Election this semester, Larold McLandham ’21 cheerfully approached a couple breaking up over coffee at Libe. “Hi, how are you folks doing today?” The oblivious candidate chirped, beaming his most charming smile on the future ex-couple’s distraught faces. “Would you two like to…
Major Cornell Major Tournament Round III
Click to see enlarged bracket. Vote here! It’s time for the Sweet 16! This tournament is getting down to the wire—vote to make sure your favorite majors get to the Elite 8!
Campus Activists Organize Hunger Strike Just In Time For Spring Break Dieting
HO PLAZA—To the relief of many students, a recent hunger strike in response to continued government inaction on sensible gun reform has aligned perfectly with the dieting period before Spring Break. “No matter how strict my meals were, I could never lose enough weight to get the bod I wanted. It’s much easier to squeeze…
Entomology Department Introduces Therapy Bees to Provide Emotional Support During Prelim Season
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL – To address student mental health concerns during prelim season, the Entomology Department has begun hosting animal therapy sessions in Willard Straight Hall with gigantic, droning swarms of bees. Department chair Bryan Danforth cited the short supply of therapy dogs on campus as inspiration for the idea.“We asked ourselves, ‘Why should students…
Dick Cheney Required To Pass Intro To Handgun Safety Before Speech
Update: The former Vice President’s speech has been postponed due to him accidentally shooting the instructor and failing the class. STATLER AUDITORIUM—In anticipation of Dick Cheney’s visit to campus, the University has required the former Vice President to successfully complete PE 1515: Introduction to Handgun Safety before being cleared to speak. “With all of the…
ROUND II: 2nd Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament!
Click to see enlarged bracket. Vote here for round II! The results are in – you voted, and 32 majors have moved on to round two of this year’s tournament! There were some huge upsets. Who could have predicted 16 seed Fiber Science to beat out the one seed Hotel Administration? And how did French…
Professor Bans Graphing Calculators During Prelims, Says Nothing About Rotisserie Chicken
ROCKEFELLER HALL – In an attempt to prevent his students from cheating, Physics Professor Karl Nussbaum has banned the use of advanced calculators on his exams, although he surprisingly has said nothing about the use of rotisserie chicken. “When Professor Nussbaum said that graphing calculators were not allowed, everyone in the lecture hall looked at…
Cornell Dining Unveils Corned Beef and Cabbage Infused Water for St. Patrick’s Day
OKENSHIELDS—To celebrate St. Patrick’s Day this Saturday, Cornell Dining has proudly revealed an exciting take on a traditional Irish staple. An attempt to bring “cultural fusion” to the table, corned beef and cabbage infused water is anticipated to tie together the rich flavors of a holiday meal. “At Cornell Dining, our two primary goals are…
2nd Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament!
Click to see enlarged bracket Vote here! CU Nooz is proud to announce the 2nd Annual Major Cornell Major Tournament! 64 undergraduate majors will battle it out to determine once and for all which major is the most likely to get votes in an arbitrary competition. Look over the bracket, read up on what each…