SCHOELLKOPF FIELD – With a humiliating final score against Dartmouth of 21-3 signifying their eighth loss of the season, the Cornell football team gleefully realized they were only two more losses away from filling out their Cornell Dining beverage punch card and receiving a free bubble tea from Jansens Market at the Noyes Community Center….
BAKER HALL — Nearly a week after the staff and faculty pre-enrollment period, Assistant Professor Justin Wilson found that he was still on the waitlist to teach General Chemistry for the upcoming spring semester. “I just kind of hate my life right now,” said Dr. Wilson, continuously hitting the ‘refresh’ button on the InstructorCenter homepage. “I was so ready…
In a noble effort to be inclusive of individuals from a wide range of backgrounds, the Cornell Office of Academic Diversity Initiatives is beginning to support students who identify as members of the campus hookup culture. “Our mission is to include all underrepresented minorities and have students from different heritages excel,” said a spokesman from…
McGRAW TOWER — After years of obsolescence, Cornell’s clock tower has finally undergone renovations and has been updated to a newer, sleeker digital interface at 326 pixels per inch. “With technology changing as rapidly as it is today, we need to be sure to keep up with modern trends,” said Dave Choi of the University…
By Sam Nadell, Co-Editor-in-Chief of CU Nooz Having been a writer for CU Nooz for the past three years, I’ve noticed that, whether we like it or not, the Daily Sun and CU Nooz have been in a little bit of competition. Let me just start by saying that to even be in competition with…
From the desk of Elizabeth Garrett: When I woke up Saturday morning, the last thing I was expecting to see was our beautiful A.D. White statue vandalized with the word “divest”. Look, this is an issue that we’ve been working through for a long time, and stunts like this wouldn’t usually affect any relevant decisions….
BARTON HALL – The Cornell Concert Commission is excited to announce that Canadian pop-singer and viral sensation Carly Rae Jepsen is is scheduled to perform at Barton Hall, maybe. “We’re truly delighted to have Carly Rae performing at our own Barton Hall,” stated CCC executive director Ryan Enderby, “Be sure to grab your tickets early…
COLLEGETOWN- Worried sick that her sweet son and his new friends wouldn’t be allowed into any Halloween ragers, Pam Byrnes drove to Cornell this morning, bringing with her the sluttiest costume she could find and a printed WikiHow article titled “How to Act at College Parties.” “I told Mom we don’t need her help,” Robby…
HIGH RISE 5 – In a reluctant attempt to love her daughter no matter what she does, Cheryl Stanton ’87 has decided to assist her daughter, Lauren Stanton ’19, in finishing her slutty mouse costume. “I love my little girl more than anything in the world,” said a disappointed Mrs. Stanton as she begrudgingly cut…
OKENSHIELDS — Earlier today, David “Happy Dave” Sepulveda, beloved card-swiper and greeter, announced his candidacy in the 2016 presidential election with massive support from Cornell Dining and the greater Okenshields community. “The American people need a carefree, cheerful leader to lift their spirits and get them back on track, and I believe I’m just the…
