TOMPKINS COUNTY — Gerry the Ithaca weather monster is announcing his retirement after he tried all year to build up massive amounts of snow to dump on students and residents in the greater Tompkins County region, only to see all his hard work melted by man-made global warming. “I’m done. I can’t stand it,” Gerry…
STATLER HALL – The three money-making programs at Cornell , the School of Hotel Administration, the Dyson School of Applied Economics and Management, and the Johnson Graduate School of Management, will officially combine to make the money-making university even more money. President Garrett, who already makes a lot of money from overseeing a well-endowed institution,…
DAY HALL — President Elizabeth Garrett announced this past weekend the creation of the new Cornell College of Business, an amalgamation of the School of Hotel Administration, the Dyson School of Applied Economics & Management and the Samuel Curtis Johnson Graduate School of Management. This new college will serve as a revolutionary new program which…
COLLEGETOWN – Following the closure of Collegetown staple Dunbar’s, it has been announced by local contractors that the popular establishment will likely be turned into another Asian restaurant, whether you like it or not. Despite Eddy Street already having multiple Chinese, Japanese, Korean, and Indian restaurants, the former hotspot of Dunbar’s will inevitably by decorated…
TOMPKINS COUNTY GUN CLUB – A recent examination of the student course catalog revealed that pretty much anyone can enroll in PE 1515 “Intro to Handgun Safety,” exploiting a dangerous loophole in New York firearm regulations that practically no one is concerned about. “New York State Law requires that all students taking the course must…
WEST CAMPUS — Sororities have prepared to welcome a new class of young women who, by the end of Rush Week, will transformed into mystical, glitter-breathing fairy creatures. “This is all going to be worth it, we shall be perfected by Bid Day,” gushed Quinn Pepperdine ’19, as the next step in the metamorphosis, her…
LYNAH RINK – Joining together in laughter and enthused cheers, attendees at Cornell’s Saturday night hockey game expressed their delight when Harvard Defenseman Josh Hartley was impaled by a harpoon launched from the stands during the second period. Although Hartley returned to his feet and continued to play, the raucous Lynah Faithful sports fans would…
WEST CAMPUS – After two days and dozens of dull conversations with fraternity brothers, Kyle McDonald ‘19 sees his boring hometown on Long Island as a crippling liability that might keep him from getting into his dream frat. “I just feel like if I had a really cool thing to talk about when I introduce…
BETHESDA, MD — After his lottery victory this week, Cornell Freshman and recent Powerball Jackpot Winner Gregory Michaels reported that his parents are still complaining to him about tuition costs. With his winnings, Michaels was able to purchase his family a beautiful mansion in his hometown in Maryland, while his father continued to insist he…
TOMPKINS REGIONAL AIRPORT — All three people operating the Ithaca Tompkins Regional Airport (ITH) celebrated a milestone today, when USA Today named the airport the number one best place to be delayed for nine hours or more in the United States. “We are honored. Simply honored,” said an emotional Stan Altschul, the only TSA agent…
