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October 3, 2025
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  • Uncategorized

Klarman Hole To Open December 2015

Nooz Staff11 years ago11 years ago01 mins

ITHACA — Cornell Facilities Services has announced that construction of the Klarman Hole is on track and scheduled for completion by December of 2015. The new hole will be located adjacent to Goldwin Smith Hall on the East Avenue side, where it shall serve as Cornell’s “Hole for the Humanities.” This concept, as detailed by…

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  • Uncategorized

Cornell Ranked Top University in Country by Billy’s Mom

Nooz Staff11 years ago8 years ago02 mins

PITTSBURG, PA—A positive energy swept through Cornell this morning as it was learned that the college was once again ranked the top university in the country by Billy’s mom. “You know, I’ve seen a good number of colleges in the northeast, and I just know that Cornell is just the best one out of all…

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  • Cornell

Cornell to Celebrate 150 Years By Reminding Everybody About It Constantly

Nooz Staff11 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL- In honor of the fact that Cornell is in its 150th year as an academic institution, the university announced today that it would celebrate by constantly reminding everybody about the fact that it is 150 years old. “This is a massive accomplishment for a prestigious university such as Cornell, and we figured the…

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  • Cornell

Cornell to Increase Tuition by Two Vital Organs

Nooz Staff11 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL — Following a common trend that has been taking place over the last decade, Cornell University has announced that it will be increasing student tuition by two vital organs for the 2015-2016 school year. “We understand that this move will not be popular among the students, however the costs of running a major…

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  • Cornell

Russian Roommate Won’t Stop Encroaching on Ukrainian Roommate’s Side of Room

Nooz Staff11 years ago11 years ago02 mins

COLLEGETOWN– Katerina Grochenko, a senior of Ukrainian descent, is reporting that living with her Russian roommate Maria Vasileva ‘16 has been “a pure nightmare” this past week. “Maria won’t stop dumping her stuff on my side of the room. She uses my dishes and eats my food,” said the distraught Grochenko. When I ask her…

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  • Cornell

Freshman Scours Clubfest for Interesting Potential Resume Builders

Nooz Staff11 years ago02 mins

BARTON HALL — After two weeks of not really feeling comfortable at his new college, freshman Owen Childress was reportedly excited to go to this weekend’s Clubfest to search around for new and interesting clubs that could look good on a future resume. “Wow, I’ve never considered Japanese drumming before. But will my eventual employer…

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  • Cornell

Freemasons to Recruit New Members at ClubFest This Weekend

Nooz Staff11 years ago11 years ago02 mins

Ithaca, NY —  In an unexpected decision, for the first time ever, the Freemasons will be recruiting members at Cornell’s club fest this fall! The centuries-old secret society says it hopes to provide a fun, safe atmosphere for discussions related to history, philosophy and religion. “Those of able body and mind, we ask of thee….do…

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  • Cornell

Unemployed “Arts Quad Kid” Thinking About Reading on Law School Quad

Nooz Staff11 years ago11 years ago02 mins

ITHACA, NY — Unemployed recent graduate Ethan Joseph ‘14, best known as “the Arts Quad kid” for regularly sitting on the southwest corner of the Arts Quad in all weather, reading and smiling at passers-by, is reportedly considering returning to school and reading on one of the nation’s law school quads. “I guess my time at Cornell,…

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  • Cornell

Lab of Ornithology Closes After Scientists Learn Everything About Birds

Nooz Staff11 years ago02 mins

In a statement released last Monday, The Cornell Lab of Ornithology announced that its researchers have learned everything there is to know about birds and would be shutting down all operations indefinitely. “Birds are very simple creatures. We know that their hollow bones and feathers help them fly, and that they use their beaks to…

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  • Cornell

OP-ED: Welcome to Cornell! I’m the Sheriff ‘Round These Parts

Nooz Staff11 years ago04 mins

By Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner Howdy partner! I didn’t see you wander into town. Nice day for it though…mighty nice day. Whelp, since you’re new here I figured I’d introduce myself and let you know that I’m the sheriff ‘round these parts. No cause for alarm, stranger!  If you don’t start any trouble we…

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