ITHACA—Avid Cornell Daily Sun readers have become discouraged after seven consecutive months without an update to the paper’s “Blk Voices” column. Despite starting out strong with two poems focusing on the experiences of Black Americans, the project has not added a third installment. “I suppose it’s possible they just ran out of Black stories to…
ZOOM—Charlie Richmond ‘24 unsuccessfully attempted to impress his SPAN 1101: General Spanish I professor with a refined pronunciation of “grathías” on the first day of class. “At first I thought that the other students would be intimidated by my obvious natural proficiency for Spanish,” Richmond explained, “but then I remembered my most recent trip to…
UNKNOWN—After attempting for months to break into the Cornell Canvas mainframe, a nefarious hacker who is known as “The Marauder” on online message boards looked on in horror as the website informed him that he could not proceed without a second authentication factor. “Blast! Those conniving Cornelians foiled my Machiavellian plans yet again!” Mr. Marauder…
ITHACA—In a stunning reversal of university policies and practices, Cornell has finally taken action to address the allegations that Cornell students disproportionately experience depression, compared to their peers at other colleges. It’s no secret that many Cornellians are overwhelmed, stressed, and/or depressed, and for decades the student body has appealed to the school to get…
DAY HALL–In a virtual statement given this morning President Pollack informed the plague-ridden student body that effective immediately, all Greek life members will be subject to coronavirus testing every thirty minutes. “Listen up, motherfuckers,” Pollack growled. “It’s Martha rules from now on. From now on, no brother or sister will be able to eat, sleep,…
ITHACA—Hoping to bring some joy to what could otherwise be described as a bleak and tumultuous year, the Cornell University Police Department has decided to switch to holiday-themed parking tickets for the month of December. “As days get shorter and people have gone months without seeing their loved ones, we noticed that folks have been…
WEST CAMPUS—Bernard Lee ‘23 recently spent eleven hours writing a negative evaluation of his COML 2050: Contemporary Young Adult Fiction class, more time than he had cumulatively spent on all the class’ assignments. “The professor once wrote ‘not enough details’ on one of my essays, so I sure proved him wrong with this course evaluation.”…
Los Angeles—After a completely dry semester spent playing Among Us and aimlessly staring at the ceiling of his dorm lounge, Trent Jackson ’24 began listing the names of the lying adults who told him college would be “the best four years” of his life. “My dad used to tell me his college stories: frats, bars,…
ITHACA—After a scandal caused almost entirely by their own decisions, Cornell Republicans have raised concern that they are being discriminated against simply because of their complete lack of empathy for their classmates. “Race, sexual orientation, gender identity, and so many more things can lead to groups becoming marginalized,” mentioned a member of the campus political…
CHARLESTON, SC–This Friday Jacob Weiss ‘22 celebrated his own miracle of Hanukkah after one night of finals provided him with an anxious stomachache that burned for the entire holiday. “Oy gevalt, my head is spinning like a dreidel. My hands are trembling like candlelight in the wind. Every time I close my eyes, all I…
