MANN LIBRARY— University staff may have noticed that students have recently become more fatigued, irritable, and emotionally volatile. A new research investigation provides an answer while putting a new spin on the term big red. “It’s a phenomenon called study period, where the student body sheds their outlining to expel final papers and exams, leading…
ITHACA- Student Travis Hopkins ’17 was referred to the Judicial Administration Thursday for allegedly bludgeoning his roommate to death. The body of victim Anthony Mathews ’17 was discovered by Kevin Harris ’14, the resident advisor for the Donlon floor where the boys lived, at 10:31 p.m. on Thursday while Hopkins sat at his desk doing…
ITHACA, NY-Recent evidence supports the long reigning claim that The Cornell Daily Sun is, in fact, run by an evil race of mutant lizard people. The office of the Sun has been reported closed from December 6th, until January 19th, the coldest period of the year, during which time a cold-blooded species (such as lizard…
URIS HALL G01—In his first Intro to Cognitive Science lecture this week, locked-and-loaded freshman Daniel Fabre ‘23 went completely balls-to-the-wall utilizing the mind mapping advanced note-taking technique. “I didn’t have my notebook out while we were going over the syllabus, but then I glanced over to my left and I saw the things he was…
EDDY STREET—There is little more sacred and unchanging in this world than the duty of a new Fraternity Pledge to clean up after a party. Unfortunately for Hayden Mendoza ‘27, his fraternity decided to end the year with a “tropical-themed” bash. As soon as the stumbling mass of Hawaiian shirts faded into the distance, Mendoza…
PITTSBURG, PA—A positive energy swept through Cornell this morning as it was learned that the college was once again ranked the top university in the country by Billy’s mom. “You know, I’ve seen a good number of colleges in the northeast, and I just know that Cornell is just the best one out of all…
Thanksgiving is a day in which friends and family give their thanks for all that they are grateful for. This year, I plan on expressing a huge thank you to God for gifting me with an invaluable asset: a succulent, sizable, stank-ass pussy. When forging me from his flesh, God decided to direct any weight…
ITHACA, NY—Once again, Cornell students can proudly claim they have access to one of the best dining programs across the nation. The university marked a special case for the Princeton Review’s Great Campus Food ranking list, qualifying as tenth in the nation with the inclusion of Rusty’s Cafe and fifth in the nation without. A…
DAY HALL—President Martha Pollack announced her proposal to unify all seven of the undergraduate colleges under the name “Cornell University” in a press conference this Tuesday. “After the merger, students will finally be able to study arts, sciences, engineering, architecture, planning, agricultural sciences, life sciences, human ecology, hotel administration, and industrial and labor relations all…
DAY HALL—Cornell University President Martha Pollack sneakily slipped into the back row of April 20th’s Administration meeting after ingesting a 70mg pot brownie, hoping no one would realize she was baked out of her mind. “Shit shit shit shit shit,” Pollack said discretely, aware that someone would probably call on her to answer a question…
