BARTELS HALL—After not losing last night, Cornell men’s basketball team has maintained its perfect no-loss record into the first weekend of the NCAA Tournament. “Honestly, if you’d asked me in February I would have thought we’d have lost by now,” admitted guard James Banket ‘24. “If you had told me we would be undefeated going…
PITTSBURG, PA—A positive energy swept through Cornell this morning as it was learned that the college was once again ranked the top university in the country by Billy’s mom. “You know, I’ve seen a good number of colleges in the northeast, and I just know that Cornell is just the best one out of all…
PRINCETON, NJ—Midway through her ECON 1110 lecture, Samantha Keys ‘22 once again found herself in a breakout room filled with the biggest weirdos the class had to offer. “I’m not trying to be a bitch, but these people are serious buzzkills,” Keys complained. “Like, one of them spent the entire time sucking on a Slim…
TACOMA—For the third time this month, Parker Shaw ‘23 posted a screenshot of Frank Ocean’s “Self Control” to his Instagram story, captioned “need a new Frank album ASAP.” Shaw has long awaited his musical therapy, spending the early hours of every day since August wallowing in a deep melancholy devoid of any self-awareness. “It’s gotten…
DUFFIELD HALL—Many saintlike engineering students have had their virtuous reputations marred by unfounded accusations of immorality following a recruitment event hosted by Palantir at Cornell. These engineers have done nothing more than demonstrate their willingness to ignore ethics for a $200k starting salary. One attendee, Ceille Autê ‘27, who has never faced any kind of…
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD — As the Big Red finally achieved their first victory of the season, hundreds of fans suddenly found themselves confused, without any intuition of how to act after Cornell defeated the Columbia Lions 3-0 on Saturday. “‘Win?’ What does this word mean?” pondered Stacy Danforth ’19, who, upon the football team’s triumph, began…
Breathing a large sigh of relief, the Cornell community was glad to hear the Cornell Republicans’ votes will not count in the 2016 election after club endorsed Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson. “It was touch and go for the past week, and we were sure this announcement was going to endorse Trump, but it’s so much…
CHUCK E. CHEESE’S—After their tough 66-0 loss against Princeton, Cornell football coach David Archer ‘05 decided to cheer up his bummed-out players by bringing them to the local Chuck E. Cheese’s. “The poor kids are just beating themselves up about it. I told them Princeton was really good and that Harvard and Brown also lost…
A few months ago, back at Cornell, my roommates got a little concerned when I came home trashed for the fifth night in a row. But I was out with friends, and I was just a social drinker. And then quarantine set in. I thought a few beers every night was normal. I’d have a…
