HO PLAZA—As mental health problems continue on campus, Cornell Health will be introducing a thorough system of applications for CAPS appointments. Counselor Richard Kilhemmer released a statement declaring that “this year’s applicant pool will be especially qualified, but unfortunately I have a limited budget and need to select students through a rigorous application process. Also,…
I’m glad I have your attention. I’ve looked everywhere without any luck, and I could really use your help. Is there any chance you have my club’s Facebook page password? We created our Facebook page awhile back in the hopes that it would be a good way to gain exposure. But after a few months…
DONLON HALL—Jacob Goldstein ‘21 spent a few extra minutes Saturday morning strolling around his Donlon floor after a walk of shame, clearly trying to make sure his floormates know he had sex the night before. “I really just wanted a chance to stretch my legs a bit more, considering I did a lot of strenuous…
LOW RISE 6—In the midst of a panic attack, my mother called me Friday night. I stifled ugly sobs in my pillow and responded, “Hey mom! What’s up?” with the vocal control of an opera singer. As she dished about the dog’s new medication and her petunias withering, I thought about what it would be…
BAKER HALL—After Cornell announced that campus will be closed starting at 5 AM, dedicated chemistry professor Chuck E. Chang had no choice but to drag his students into lecture at the crisp hour of 4 in the morning. “Normally I don’t allow beverages in my classroom, but I made a special exception for those students…
DAY HALL—After pulling an all-nighter and taking two prelims this week, the exhausted University has decided to just cancel class because it didn’t do the reading. “Usually I just squeeze out some state-of-the-art bullshit for participation credit, but fuck it—I’m so done with this semester,” said the University while getting ready to go out for…
AMAZON RAINFOREST, BRAZIL—Tragedy struck the IFC last week when five students failed to return from the organization’s annual mission to collect the increasingly scarce jungle juice. “While we mourn the loss of our fellow brothers, we know their tragedy was not in vain. Each cooler we fill with the sweet jungle nectar this semester will…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Although English professor Marjorine Williamson is routinely celebrated for being the oldest and most published in her department, this bitch is still having trouble getting the chalkboard to work. “I mean she’s clearly brilliant,” said Lyle Glagadeen ‘19, “but this bitch can’t even hold chalk properly and she always uses the wrong side…
COLLEGETOWN — As the Winter Olympics kick into high gear, students across campus are eagerly playing it in the background while they do other things. “Oh man, I’ve been waiting for four years to debate our Domino’s order while Lindsey Vonn squiggles around on NBC Sports,” said Ross Flannigan ‘18. “Will we get cheesy bread?…
WESTCHESTER, NY—Freshman Jasper Griffith ‘21 would rather stay in Ithaca over break, but is instead reluctantly returning home to visit her bickering hamsters, Martha and Lance. “My house just doesn’t feel like a home anymore. It’s a cold atmosphere. Martha and Lance can’t stop fighting, and it’s ripping my family a new asshole,” said Griffith…
