ITHACA, NY -Cornell Univeristy’s French Studies department has received several citations from the city of Ithaca’s Fire Department for tampering with smoke detectors in Goldwin Smith Hall. During a routine fire inspection, several alarms were found with plastic bags sealed over them while others were simply removed from their bases. Fire Department Chief Fred Ogilvy…
Goldwin Smith houses kids on humanities tracks, But often those kids are in need of some snacks! There’s not enough food in professors’ discourses, After all, college students eat fully grown horses. So then where do you go to get your daily fill? Is there a place with a kitchen? A crockpot? A grill? There’s…
ITHACA-X7, NY – Bright eyed freshmen teeming around campus this August seem to share a similar complaint: Gates hall has got to go. The building, erected in 2014, was once a modern marvel created with a cutting-edge glass, a modern foundation and an innovative solar powered array. Today, the building sits unused and has been…
THE GREAT BEYOND/ITHACA, NY – While historian Goldwin Smith is most notably remembered for his academic achievements, recent actions taken by the ghost of the celebrated professor have reminded the campus of his more deplorable beliefs. Smith, an Oxford educated historian was revered for his passionate study of history and colonialism. In 1911, a building erected…
ITHACA, NY-Professor James Karpman began his fourth lecture of the semester today by continuing to review the fundamental plans and curriculum outlines for BIO 2380. Students are reportedly getting restless at the professor’s thoroughly detailed overview of his course plans for the semester. “On the first day we went over the basics of what units…
ITHACA, NY-Although Martin Scorsese’s blockbuster The Wolf of Wall Street came out just weeks ago, students are already demanding more classes that will jumpstart their career aspirations of emulating the lifestyle of Jordan Belfort, protagonist of the film. Cornell has already responded to student’s demands, and has started creating classes that will be added to…
ITHACA, NY – Jeff Henderson, a Food Science major in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences, described to reporters Friday that his endeavor to taste all available flavors of the microwavable turnover brand Hot Pockets is a part of his departmental research under the mentorship of Professor Sheila Reynolds. “The goal of research is…
ITHACA, NY – Students of Harold Gerdfich were elated to find out the “totally down to earth” professor is preparing a tight 5 minutes of standup for the first day of class, despite undergoing divorce proceedings that will likely leave him penniless, alone, and eventually suicidal. “The kids just love it when I do self-deprecating…
ITHACA, N.Y. – In an effort to save time during finals week, Jesse Garber ‘15 will delay treating her appendicitis in order to review for finals. “I’m just so busy,” she told us. Garber, whose appendix has swollen to the size of a grapefruit and requires immediate medical attention, has a tough battle ahead of…
ITHACA, NY-Wines Expert Jeffrey Lerman ‘14 is on a mission to remove boxed wine from all Cornell parties. “Boxed wine is too earthy. The vintage is too oaky,” he claims. Lerman, whose wine expertise includes recently receiving a 75 on his Introduction to Wines final, demands that “enough is enough.” “Boxed wine has no legs,…
