ITHACA- A new Cornell study has found overwhelming evidence the Abraham Lincoln plagiarized the Gettysburg Address. Cornell Oral Communication professor Gabriela Baker began this research in anticipation of the 150 year anniversary of the speech held this week. Baker told CU Nooz “I read over the hard copy of his speech, and something just didn’t…
ITHACA- Professor Alan Dalton commended Sophomore Jacob Harrison for his exciting and unique literary voice on a recent mid-term assignment which he reportedly wrote from the second person perspective. “The paper really made me feel like I was there with Jacob, learning about cell biology for the first time,” Dalton told CU Nooz, “Most of…
Dr. James B. Maas, who served as the Stephen H. Weiss Presidential Fellow, Professor and past Chairman of Cornell’s Psychology department, returned to campus this morning for the first time in over a year. Maas is best know for his academic and literary work on the psychology of sleep. Today, at 10:10 am in Bailey Hall,…
Despite Cornell University’s recent attempts to diversify its off-campus programs, university administrators admitted Tuesday that the University’s “Cornell in Newark” and “Cornell in Detroit” programs had not been as popular as their D.C. program for unexplained reasons. “We’re mystified, really,” said Vice President of Student Life William Darson. “We thought that offering new programs in…
After the defeat of the German department, Temple of Zeus has been divided between the Russian department, the English department, the French department and Department of American Studies. These new boundaries were organized by American Studies professor Marshall Goldberg, and are part of a greater relief effort known as “The Marshall Plan.” Reports from the Russian department…
This week, Food Science Professor Mark Chang revealed the ground-breaking results from his experiments to produce more “Instragrammable” food. Students in Chang’s graduate-level class FDSC 6350: “#NoFilter, Social Media and Food” helped to create food that looks even better when uploaded to the Internet for friends to see. The National Food Science Review is calling…
Amidst cries of protest, Cornell’s German Language department is set to move into the Polish Language’s departmental office space. German Language dept. chair Hanz Friedel told CU Nooz that the department “just needs a bit more elbow room” and that there “should be absolutely no cause for alarm.” The English Department has too criticized the…
ITHACA, NY – This morning, thousands of undergraduates woke up early to enroll in courses for next semester. According to sources, every single student was able to enroll in every course necessary to graduate on schedule. Each student logged onto the Student Center website promptly at 7 AM, searched for their classes (all of which…
ITHACA- Student Travis Hopkins ’17 was referred to the Judicial Administration Thursday for allegedly bludgeoning his roommate to death. The body of victim Anthony Mathews ’17 was discovered by Kevin Harris ’14, the resident advisor for the Donlon floor where the boys lived, at 10:31 p.m. on Thursday while Hopkins sat at his desk doing…
ITHACA- An inside source has revealed The Cornell Law School has partnered with the Biology Department to breed a herd of specialized “Horse Lawyers”. This information comes at the wake of a recent Law School scandal involving the alleged destruction of over $200K in horse semen. According to our source, the training of these equine…
