Academics

University Historians Discover Shocking “Except For Christians” Clause in “Any Person, Any Study” Motto

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

RARE MANUSCRIPTS COLLECTION, URIS LIBRARY – Holding a flickering candle up to the aged, yellowed tomes of the university’s founding documents, University Historian Eliana Helversum was horrified to uncover a long-forgotten amendment to Cornell’s motto explicitly barring Christians from attending the university. “I can’t believe it…” whispered Helversum. “After all this time of near-ubiquitous societal…

Ultra-Powerful Gaming Laptop Used for School

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

IVES HALL—Overclocking his 9th Generation Intel Core and NVIDIA GeForce RTX to open yet another Wikipedia tab, Dennis Murphy ‘23 pushed the absolute limits of his Razer Blade Pro 17 to write an essay for his FWS. With each keystroke, the keys on Murphy’s individually backlit ghost-proof Chroma keyboard flashed in a beautiful chromatic symphony,…

Animal Science Major Only Does It Doggy Style

Nooz Staff6 years ago02 mins

MORRISON HALL—Local Animal Science major Dimitri Rubinov ‘23 is carrying his passion for the animal kingdom into the bedroom by only having sex doggy style. “It seems arrogant to go against the sexual practices of every single other animal,” Rubinov announced. “At the end of the day, we are just animals. My Cornell education has…

Freshman Who Slept Through Prelim Hoping Curve Will Save Him

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

BAKER LAB — In the lecture following their second prelim, pre-med student Aaron Hale ‘23 nervously reassured his CHEM 2070 classmates that, despite missing the prelim last Thursday, the curve should definitely bring him up to at least a C. “I mean, basically the same thing happened last time,” muttered Hale to himself, whose grade…

RA Dutifully JA’s Self After Bringing Alcohol Back to Dorm Room

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

DICKSON HALL—Unable to handle the guilt from leaving his contraband alcohol unreported, RA Ryan Newman ‘21 dutifully submitted an OJA form this Monday reporting that he brought a mostly-full handle of Mango Pineapple Svedka back to his dorm room. “It is my solemn duty as an RA to provide a fun, safe, and sober living…

Narc Cannabis Professor Won’t Let His Students Get Even a Little High

Nooz Staff6 years ago03 mins

RILEY-ROBB HALL—Students of PLSCI 4190, “Cannabis: Biology, Society, and Industry” are totally bummed out that their absolute buzzkill of a professor won’t let them get even a teeny bit high during class. Trinity Earthsong ‘20 is particularly upset that her professor is being a “total stick in the mud” about pot. “I took his course…

OP-ED: Owie, My Imposter Syndrome

Nooz Staff6 years ago03 mins

Last week, the TA sighed when I raised my hand for help. That really stung, but I expect it will only haunt me for a few more years. Then, my best friend got an offer from her dream internship. It made me feel like shit. I’ll never accomplish my goals, but I don’t deserve to…

Freshman Who Thinks He’s Cool for Having 20 AP Credits Still Can’t Place Out of Being Lonely

Nooz Staff6 years ago6 years ago02 mins

LOW RISE 6—Although Evan Hammond ‘23 arrived at Cornell with enough AP credits to skip most of his basic engineering requirements, his high school efforts still haven’t been enough to alleviate the all-consuming loneliness he has felt the past two weeks. “All my hard work in high school really paid off,” said Hammond, who spent…

Balls-to-Wall Freshman Takes Mind Map Notes During First Lecture

Nooz Staff6 years ago03 mins

URIS HALL G01—In his first Intro to Cognitive Science lecture this week, locked-and-loaded freshman Daniel Fabre ‘23 went completely balls-to-the-wall utilizing the mind mapping advanced note-taking technique. “I didn’t have my notebook out while we were going over the syllabus, but then I glanced over to my left and I saw the things he was…

Cornell to Shut Down For Good After Finally Teaching Every Person Every Study

Nooz Staff7 years ago02 mins

DAY HALL—Saying that the university’s mission has been accomplished and there is no reason to continue, the Board of Trustees has unanimously voted to shut down operations next month after finally teaching every person every study. “Now that we’ve almost wrapped up graduating every single person in all possible subjects, there is nothing left for…

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Hazing Club Suspended For Paperwork Issue

University Historians Discover Shocking “Except For Christians” Clause in “Any Person, Any Study” Motto

Ultra-Powerful Gaming Laptop Used for School

Animal Science Major Only Does It Doggy Style

Freshman Who Slept Through Prelim Hoping Curve Will Save Him

RA Dutifully JA’s Self After Bringing Alcohol Back to Dorm Room

Narc Cannabis Professor Won’t Let His Students Get Even a Little High

OP-ED: Owie, My Imposter Syndrome

Freshman Who Thinks He’s Cool for Having 20 AP Credits Still Can’t Place Out of Being Lonely

Balls-to-Wall Freshman Takes Mind Map Notes During First Lecture

Cornell to Shut Down For Good After Finally Teaching Every Person Every Study