Upon pecking through their shells and scanning the campus around them, twelve newly hatched freshmen imprinted on the first Cornellian they saw, junior Ellen Hayes, convincing themselves that she was their mother. “I’m too young for this responsibility,” Hayes said. “When they followed me into lecture, they all just stood there, staring at me, expecting…
TEANECK, NJ – Justin Cochran ’17, entering his last year at Cornell, reports that he is “mentally and physically” preparing himself to drink Keystone Light Beer for the next 10 months before he can graduate to more expensive, better-tasting beers. “One more year of this, and then never again in my life,” said Cochran, relaxing…
STUDENT CENTER — Thousands of members of the class of 2020 attempted to enroll in the 10:10 lecture of Introductory Macroeconomics this morning, however they found it filled up too quickly and oh boo hoo you sad fucks, you didn’t get a class you wanted. “Now that I’ve been locked out of one class for…
NORTH CAMPUS — Amidst growing concerns of insufficient student housing, Cornell has announced that a new spatial dimension will be constructed on North Campus to accommodate the incoming class of 2020. “We used to have to force triples and quads in some of the high rises, but recent advances in technology mean that we can fit…
LIBE SLOPE — After blacking out during the Slope Day concert, graduated senior Benjamin Chambers ’15 has finally awoken from his alcohol induced slumber that began this past May. “That was the craziest Slope Day ever! How long was I out for, like a day?” exclaimed Chambers, who has until today been unconsciously resting on…
NORTH CAMPUS- Reports are indicating that after attending the 7 p.m. Tapestry session at the Schwartz Center’s Kiplinger Theater, freshmen roommates Jared Dirienzo, Ian Thomas, and Shawn Kilpatrick have become comfortable enough around one another to tell racist jokes. “When you first meet your roommates, things can be kind of weird. You have to get…
TEAGLE HALL — After failing to swim the requisite 75 yards, Elizabeth Garrett was disappointed to announce she had not passed the water safety competency test enforced by the University. She will now need to enroll in PE 1100 – Beginning Swimming and pass the course before the end of her tenure, in order to…
BAKER LAB — At today’s first lecture of CHEM 2140, an outdated syllabus officially revealed that this year’s course takes place once again during Fall semester 2012. Professor Janice Stocking was proud to acknowledge that her syllabus transcends time, that the year of Tim Tebow and the Mayan Apocalypse was expressly selected for this offering…
COLLEGETOWN – With the new school year beginning, seniors across the Cornell campus have been described as being “fully prepared” and “excited” for the final few fun months of their life. “Wow, the past three years have gone by in a flash. But now I’m ready to have a great senior year, maybe take a…
DAY HALL – Helplessly buzzing with anticipation over their next tuition supplement, returning students are on the edge of their seats to find out what fee Cornell will charge them this year. “Personally, my bet’s with something clothing related, like a Hat Fee,” speculated Senior Gavin Treyhoust, who went on to explain that a potential…
