Super Bowl
Coach David Archer Assures Cornell Football Team They Just Barely Missed Playing in Super Bowl This Year
SCHOELLKOPF FIELD—Addressing his confused and disappointed team, football coach David Archer ‘05 told the Big Red that they were “really, really close” to making the Super Bowl this year. “When the guys heard there was a big game going on this weekend, they seemed pretty heartbroken that they hadn’t been invited,” said Archer. “I wanted…
Report: Girlfriend Just “Thinks It’s Funny” That Tom Brady’s Retirement Got 3 Instagram Stories, But 6-Month Anniversary Got 1
COLLEGETOWN–It was a normal Tuesday night for Peter Graven and Sophia Morgan, both ‘23, as they spent their evening finishing some school work before catching up on the latest episode of Euphoria. Morgan was so enraptured by the neon depiction of teen opiate abuse that she barely noticed Graven spent most of the episode scrolling…
“And the Americans, they like this ‘Football’? Then we shall like it too,” Exclaims Entire International Student Body
OFFICE OF STUDENT AFFAIRS – Committed to making the most of this weekend’s Super Bowl, the entire international student body released a statement earlier this morning proclaiming their enjoyment of American Football. “Even though it makes no sense and is played nowhere else on the planet, we get such a kick over how crazy you…
We Tried to Write A Superbowl Article, But Only Came Up with These Headlines
…Sports? 1. The Superbowl Was Fine, But What Was Up With That Lukewarm Guacamole, Sharon? 2. Justin Timberlake Fails To Bring Timber And/Or Lakes To His Performance 3. How About Those Superbowl Passes and Touchdowns and Whatnot? 4. Horny Students Disappointed Over the Lack of Janet Jackson Nipples 5. Hungry Babies Disappointed Over the Lack…
Student Hastily Relates Super Bowl To Last Night’s Comparative Literature Reading
GOLDWIN SMITH – Stating that the dichotomy between good and evil was a theme in both John Milton’s oeuvre Paradise Lost and the championship football game between the New England Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons, comparative literature student William Perkins ‘18 hastily related his reading from the previous night to Super Bowl LI during discussion….