August 31, 2015

Blood-Covered Ornithology Researcher “Sorry About the Birds”

Nooz Staff11 years ago11 years ago02 mins

SAPSUCKER WOODS — A blood-covered research assistant from Cornell’s Lab of Ornithology released a statement earlier today that he was “sorry about what happened with all the birds back there.” The researcher, biology student Robert Cowan M.S. ’18 studying changes in the behavior of the North American Goldfinch in the presence of lawnmowers, claims that…

Sagan Institute Discovers Already Polluted Earth-like Planet

Nooz Staff11 years ago11 years ago02 mins

PHYSICAL SCIENCES BUILDING — Scientists at the Carl Sagan Institute announced the discovery of a planet so Earth-like that it may be polluted beyond feasible repair. Jansen 434-b, a planet in the Cygnus constellation, was found using data from the Kepler Space Telescope, designed to detect filthy, destitute planets with runaway greenhouse effects caused by…

Wikipedia Page of Esteemed Professor Currently Flunking You Not Even, Like, That Long

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Blood-Covered Ornithology Researcher “Sorry About the Birds”

Sagan Institute Discovers Already Polluted Earth-like Planet