March 14, 2016

Ben Carson Mysteriously Appears on Student Assembly Ballot

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL — After dropping out of the race for the Republican nomination, retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson inexplicably showed up on the Cornell Student Assembly ballot earlier today. “When I logged on to vote, I saw Ben Carson’s shining face staring at me,” said Alex Li ‘19. “I refreshed the page and tried to…

“Hallelujah, The Rainy Season Has Come!” Cry Ithaca Dust Bowl Farmers

Nooz Staff10 years ago10 years ago02 mins

TOMPKINS COUNTY — Hundreds of dustbowl farmers in the greater Tompkins County area are rejoicing at the coming of the rain, after months of drought brought no crops to their land. “Madge! Madge, get out here, you’re not gonna believe this!” cried Ernest Young, finally seeing the thick storm clouds form overhead and drop a…

“What Are You Talking About? Slope Day Just Happened”: Administration Tries New Tactic After Failing to Source Replacement Artist

Two Birds, One Stone! Jerry from Craigslist Booked as Slope Day Headliner, Convocation Speaker

Circle of Elders Regales Freshmen With Stories of the Before-Times When the Clocktower Was Free

Girl Power! Group of Girlies Take Elevator Up to 7th Floor of Olin

EDITORIAL | Nooz Will Endorse You For Student Assembly, Dependent On How Willing You Are To Push Our Interests

“Hi, Mind If We Ask You a Quick Question?” Admitted Student’s Family Member Somehow Inside of Your Room

Ben Carson Mysteriously Appears on Student Assembly Ballot

“Hallelujah, The Rainy Season Has Come!” Cry Ithaca Dust Bowl Farmers