THE COMMONS—To accommodate those observing Yom Kippur this Saturday, Ithaca’s 35th Apple Fest will offer apple-scented candles for sad fasting Jews. “We’re happy to satisfy all religious needs,” said community organizer Lori White with a welcoming smile. “There’s nothing like smelling the essence of what everyone else is blissfully eating to make you atone for…
ITHACA, NY — In a statement released this morning, a frontrunner in the Undergraduate Student Assembly’s Fall 2017 Election has declared that they are eager to accomplish absolutely nothing during their time in the position. “I’m just so grateful that the community wants me to take on this exciting, debatably-influential role,” stated the freshman. “I…
ARTS QUAD—Adding to his friends’ goddamn never ending list of complaints about the recent hot weather, Daniel Brenner ‘21 remarked on the difference between Ithaca’s humidity and the hot, arid climate of his hometown in Arizona for the fifth fucking time this week. “I would take 100 degrees and dry over 80 degrees and humid…
Hey there! Bet you saw the words “greek life” in the title and thought, “lookie here, another think piece weighing in on the current active discourse,” but nope, I don’t have much to say about Greek Life at all. But now that I have your attention, could you take a quick look at this rash…
MVR HALL—PAM Professor Emeritus Richard Burkhauser recently accepted a new academic position at the White House, where he will teach introductory microeconomics to the freshman administration. “I can’t wait to teach the fundamentals of conservative economics to a new batch of students, who will hopefully use those ideas when they get out in the real…
ARTS QUAD—Multiple sources confirmed that the guy who streaked the Arts Quad on Wednesday night has a normal dick. “It looks just like your average, run-of-the-mill dick to me,” reported an unimpressed Jessica Saxon ‘19. “Nothing really to see there.” Other sources reported similar findings that, although often times streakers will have misshapen, or overly…
ROCKEFELLER HALL—During his Intermediate Quantum Mechanics lecture, Professor Zhao urged his students not to hold back and to ask questions about anything they’re unsure about, unless, of course, he can’t answer the question himself. “Come on, guys,” Zhao said, finishing an illegible problem on the board, “You can ask me any question you can think…
ITHACA—After investigation into the racial slurs and violent assault that occurred last Friday, officials concluded that the hate crime bigot was simply in the wrong place and in the wrong era of United States history. “Sometimes one thing leads to another and things escalate,” suggested one witness of the atrocity. “This guy’s probably just busted…
ROBERT PURCELL MARKETPLACE EATERY— Accustomed to home-cooked meals served in bite-sized chunks, Neil Doyle ‘21 realized that without his mom to help, he had no idea how to cut the large piece of dining hall chicken on his plate. “There’s a bone in here,” muttered the utterly-stumped freshman, studying the inconvenient slab of meat and…
Alright, I’ve heard a lot about your RA. How he cuts through all the bullshit, skips the ice breakers, and is just down to have a good time. But if he’s so cool, then does he have the power to bring back my deceased father? I mean sure, he tells you where all the cool…
