KENNEDY HALL AUDITORIUM—For a third consecutive week of lectures, ECON 1540 Professor Harold Atkinson continued to plow straight ahead with horrific mispronunciations of his students’ names. “While I appreciate Professor Atkinson’s efforts to learn everyone’s names in such a big class, I think he could probably try a little harder to say them correctly,” commented…
ITHACA- Slow walkers have long been a burden on society, but since quarantine has ended they’ve only gotten worse. I didn’t think those meandering menaces could honestly get much slower, but here we are. The most infuriating part about their speed, or lack thereof, is that they fail to consider the schedule of others and…
DAY HALL—While meeting with advisors to discuss tuition payments, Lynn Talbot ‘24 was startled to discover that her financial aid, now nearly a month and a half overdue, would be postponed further due to the office being staffed by literal cats swiping at the “postpone aid award” button all day every day. “I thought there…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL—Attending his Intro to American Politics course, proud conservative virgin Gerald Dumfries ‘23 began openly praising Texas’s new restrictive abortion ban, despite the fact that due to a combination of his inner and outer repulsiveness, it will be physically impossible for him to ever impregnate anyone. “Look, I’m a supporter of women’s rights,…
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Last Monday, Max Trent ‘23 and twenty of his fellow ROTC cadets boarded one of the last flights to Kabul alongside American soldiers for an enticing cultural enrichment study abroad program in Afghanistan. “I’m super excited to go to Kay-bull,” said an excited Trent, “it gets so cold here in Ithaca I’m really looking…
GOLDWIN SMITH HALL— Last Friday, freshman Andre Potter grew alarmed during his FWS class’s Two Truths and A Lie icebreaker when he realized the murderous subtext of his classmate Mason McKay’s ‘25 answers. “At first, I kind of felt bad for the guy when his first answer was that he took a gap year after…
COLLEGETOWN—As Cornell announced a new list of COVID-19 restrictions, campus fraternities voiced concern about the new rules as only Greek life can: through dramatic gestures that almost certainly make the issue worse. “This is a matter of principle,” commented Zeta Gamma president James Mendelson ‘22. “We checked, and there is nothing in the rules that…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—With the inception of the Fall 2021 semester, Cornell clubs have lifted their controversial policy allowing recent alumni to remain in group chats despite no longer qualifying as official members. “While there is no question that the Covid-19 pandemic has made it difficult for new graduates to explore new opportunities, that does…
NORTH CAMPUS—A week after sending their closest friends off to new lives as college students, the high school friends of incoming freshmen found themselves in a race against Cornell’s orientation leaders to determine who could be ignored sooner by the campus’ newest residents. “I’m honestly off to a great start,” commented NYU freshman Dave Nichols….
COLLEGETOWN—As finals wrap up and seniors prepare to move out of their apartments, many have begun to rejoice at the prospect of leaving behind the inflation, underregulation, and rigidity of Ithaca’s housing market in favor of the monopolization, artificial scarcity, and frenetic pace of the markets in new, cooler cities. “I can’t wait to get…
