NORTH CAMPUS—Last month, the latest round of consulting club hopefuls had their dreams crushed by curtly written rejection emails after weeks of coffee chats, interviews, and kissing ass. With the busy life of Cornell’s young financial consultants out of the picture, these rejects have been forced to enjoy their youth instead.
Levi Gonzales ‘29, a freshman in Dyson, voiced his disappointment with his new life of picnics at sunset, splashing around in the water, and frolicking in lush fields with rabbits.
“It was my dream to have a full-time job at 17-and-a-half,” he said. “Now, I guess I’ll have to wait until some ancient age, like 21, to work 70-hour weeks.”
Other Dyson students expressed similar sentiments, voicing concern for their ability to find work post-grad. In an especially competitive job market, experts suggest losing one’s empathy and concern for human suffering while still an underclassman.
“Deloitte won’t want me if I still have the light in my eyes by 2028,” said Vivian Ross ‘29, recalling a particularly insightful LinkedIn post, “CCCC was the key to having my winsome personality exorcised before graduation.”
But all hope is not lost. To cope with their reality, failed consulting club hopefuls have begun engaging in networking activities called “parties” with LinkedIn connections known as “friends.”
