MORRISON DINING— Representatives of UN-Water, the coordination agency that manages global water accessibility, announced a new initiative on Monday to bring clean drinking water to Morrison Dining.
“I’ve been parched for the past 45 goddamn minutes,” lamented UN representative Keefe Saunders, wandering around Morrison like a bumbling toddler trying to find a water dispenser. “They’re all ‘out of order’, which is nothing short of a miracle, considering how your entire school is right next to a lake.” Unprompted, Saunders also added, “and I’m not one of those infused-water degenerates.”
Following a declaration of drought, the UN’s three-step plan includes the installation of a rainwater collection tank, an evaluation of the local water table, and a new social media awareness campaign entitled “#CornellGetsWet.” Eventually, officials hope that Morrison diners can access the luxuries of 21st-century civilization.
“You see, the average Morrison diner has never had a full stomach or a glass of water,” noted a tearful UN spokesperson. “They have to ration for every meal. No wonder everyone here is so depressed all the time.”
While many are on board with the initiative, not everyone finds it necessary. “This just feels like too much. Our students already have a wide selection of sodas and bubbly drinks to keep them hydrated,” argued Joey Kidneystone, a representative of Cornell Dining.
Regardless, construction of the first rainwater collection tanks will begin in the spring semester. In the meantime, UN representatives are also looking into whether the Morrison drought is responsible for the “dry-ass chicken.”
