ITHACA MIDDLE SCHOOL—As he begins the seventh grade, little twelve-year-old Jamie Griffin ‘34 comes home to his parents’ house after a long day of school, blissfully unaware that his options for junior year housing in Collegetown are filling up fast. This stupid pea-brained idiot hasn’t even begun his apartment search, and the dumbass needs to sign a lease ASAP. Little does Jamie know, his peers are way ahead of him.
Sixth-grade geniuses Suzie Davis ‘35 and Amy Cooper ‘35 have proudly secured housing in a 0.5 bed 0.25 bath apartment at the bottom of a gorge, as all other options for their year were taken. They will be paying $2,000 each month in rent (excluding utilities) and are currently scrambling to secure subletters for the Spring semester. Their landlord allegedly goes by TJ, but has yet to be seen in the flesh.
Griffin, the moronic imbecile, doesn’t know how lucky he is as he enters his quiet, mold-free, spacious family home. “If Jamie doesn’t get to work now, he might as well just count his losses,” said his father, struggling to decide how to begin to explain to Griffin the horrors his apartment search will entail. He is preparing to break the news to his son, as the shame of Griffin’s blatant stupidity has become too much for his family to bear.
Little Jamie has now reportedly toured 37 apartments in the past two days and was last seen frantically running up and down Eddy Street with his wheely backpack in a state of deep panic.
