CASCADILLA HALL—A White House announcement last Monday suggested that acetaminophen, commonly branded as Tylenol, is a leading cause of autism. The announcement sent shockwaves through the dating app community, members of whom are already adapting to the news. Local single Eric Pilgrim ‘28 immediately went on Hinge to announce that he “didn’t mind a little…
HO PLAZA—The newly established Wasian Student Association announced their first mixer last weekend via mediocre multicultural Canva graphic on their Instagram page. Students of both white and Asian heritage are invited to intermingle over their shared identity descending from the nation of Wasia while enjoying staples of Wasian delicacy—orange chicken, California rolls, and avocado milk…
LIBE CAFE—The University’s switch from Starbucks to La Colombe this semester was seen as a resounding success for the local labor movement, and a devastating defeat for any fucking idiot with English as their first language. One such dumbass, Tom Hall ‘27, is having an especially difficult time nailing down the new cafe’s pronunciation. “I…
KÖNIGSBERG, NY—A tenured professor in the Department of Mathematics postponed a field trip to North Campus this weekend after stumbling upon a perplexing mathematical problem while planning the class’s route. “It’s remarkable,” said Dr. Leonhard Garner, scribbling furiously on a piece of yellowed parchment. “Suppose one intends to traverse the Fall Creek gorge in a…
SUDBURY, ONTARIO—When Miles Anderson’s estranged great-aunt died earlier this month, he didn’t think much of it. But a $100,000 check from her estate opened a world of possibilities for the young man. “When I got the letter, I was like, ‘Hell yeah, a hundred grand,’” Anderson said. “I thought about buying a cool car or…
HOUSTON, TEXAS—In a press conference Thursday afternoon, ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods responded to concerns about the timeline of his company’s sustainable energy reforms, assuring reporters that ExxonMobil “is on track to fully reduce or balance [their] carbon emissions by the end of human civilization at the very latest.” While climate scientists and policymakers generally agree…
COLLEGETOWN—Last week, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. Four days ago, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. Two days ago, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. Yesterday, a new boba cafe opened in Collegetown. The most recent addition, Not Your Average Boba Cafe, is located next to a boba cafe, and underneath…
WARREN HALL—Club recruitment season is in full swing, and the members of Optimus Prime Consulting are hard at work determining which recent high school graduates move on to the next stage of the 15-phase application process. Recruitment Chair Andrew Trask ’27 points to one application as an example of a particularly effective candidate. The essay…
COLLEGETOWN—Roommates Sarah McClesky ‘26, Madison Blake ‘26, Lauren Mitchell ‘26, and Jessica Anderson ‘26 celebrated the start of the new semester with an age-old tradition—packing every single person they’ve ever met into their shitty collegetown apartment. “It’s like, almost October,” noted invitee Camila Martin ‘27. “I think their 500-square-foot four-bedroom has been sufficiently warmed.” But…
SAGE HALL—The highly exclusive business clubs have begun their brutal recruitment process. The infamous coffee chat is their weapon of choice, a formidable game of skill, wits, and mental strength used to prove a prospective member’s worth to the esteemed members of the club. One such meeting was overheard last afternoon. “Me suit better, BIGGER…
