SUDBURY, ONTARIO—When Miles Anderson’s estranged great-aunt died earlier this month, he didn’t think much of it. But a $100,000 check from her estate opened a world of possibilities for the young man.
“When I got the letter, I was like, ‘Hell yeah, a hundred grand,’” Anderson said. “I thought about buying a cool car or a boat or maybe my very own share of the Green Bay Packers. But then I realized, I should be smart about this.”
Anderson explained that he had always wanted to move to the United States, and that this money could help him achieve that dream.
“With this kind of money, I could either get an H-1B visa and work, or go to Cornell for a year,” he said. “Both have their pros and cons. On the one hand, a six-figure bribe to Donald Trump seems like a good first impression if I want a future in America. But when Cornell eventually caves to his demands like every other institution, maybe it’ll be good to have roots there, too.”
Financial experts caution against attending Cornell University with only $100,000 in estranged-aunt-inheritance money, emphasizing the stability that comes with having at least $600,000 in doctor-lawyer-parents money, and preferably over $1 million in loan-from-my-family-with-a-building-for-a-name money.
“Mr. Anderson may do well to invest this money instead of spending it right away,” said financial advisor Chase Morgan. “If he’s looking to move to America, something wildly unstable and favorable to the regime may prove the wisest choice. I would look into a number of Trump-backed cryptocurrencies, or perhaps get in on the AI bubble.”
At press time, Anderson had reportedly realized that his inheritance was in Canadian dollars, and that his approximately $72,000 USD was insufficient for either of his American dreams.
