GRACIE MANSION, NY—On Sunday, incumbent New York City mayor Eric Adams announced in a public video that he will be dropping out of the 2025 mayoral race. “To my dozens of supporters,” he said, “this is not the last you have seen of me. While I may not be your mayor for much longer, I look forward to continuing my lifelong commitment to grifting, accepting bribes, and misusing publicly allocated funds.” Adams went on to assure his donors that their contributions were stored safely in offshore accounts.
At a press conference following his announcement, Mayor Adams reiterated how excited he was for the opportunities that lay ahead of him. When asked which opportunities specifically he was referring to, Adams explained that he hoped to “synergize with lobbyists, leverage his access to public funds, and optimize bribe-to-policy pipelines.” Adams then grew emotional as he began speaking on “the chance to give back to the community—mainly by taking from it, financially.”
Not everyone is as optimistic about Adams’ decision, however. “This is a sad day for Turkish diplomacy,” said a spokesperson for the Turkish consulate in New York City. “Gone are the days when foreign interests could influence American politics in such an accessible manner.” Several unnamed businessmen and foreign dignitaries also expressed their disappointment, noting how difficult it would be to find another pliable politician with the same fondness for free dinners.
Adams ended by assuring New Yorkers that while he would be gone from City Hall, he would be just one shady wire transfer away.
