COOK HOUSE—Last night, after an hour or so of tossing and turning, Noelle Keyes ‘28 got out of bed to turn the thermostat down, only to find that her roommate, ልጎጮቹቹ ርዐረዪጎጋፏቹ ’28 of El Infierno, California, had set the temperature to a toasty 1,500 degrees Fahrenheit. Although she turned it down to a more normal 80 degrees, when she awoke, the temperature was back at 1,500.
Keyes said this conflict came as a total surprise. “We met last year through an investment banking club, and I thought we were pretty similar. We have the same sleep schedule, we both like rock music, we have shared values, and I even think our fathers’ net worths are similar. I do prefer to keep the room warm, but I didn’t even know this was possible.”
Although the room’s floor and walls were actively on fire, Keyes seemed unbothered as she walked around a pentagram rug to pet a small live goat on ርዐረዪጎጋፏቹ’s bed. “I do still think we’re a good match, of course. She’s pretty big on deals, so she lets me borrow her Prada, and in return I don’t bring salt or silver into the room.”
Searching ርዐረዪጎጋፏቹ’s name in the student directory caused a computer virus to infect the system, but she was eventually reached for comment about her ambient temperature preferences.
“You know, 1,500 is pretty cold where I come from,” said ርዐረዪጎጋፏቹ, as she tucked away something that looked like a tail.
