ITHACA, NY—In a dramatic break from their usual routine of arresting kids on scooters, members of the Cornell University Police Department were spotted barreling down Libe Slope on borrowed dining trays and tables this past weekend in hot pursuit of “extremely evil” students reportedly vandalizing the hill with “even more evil sleds and stuff.”
Witnesses say the chase began when the suspects loudly challenged officers with a daring “what are you gonna do about it?” before quickly rocketing downhill. Lacking official police sleds, a line item mysteriously cut from this year’s budget, CUPD officers improvised with trays, cardboard, and a single laminated menu from a long-defunct Collegetown restaurant.
“We train for all kinds of scenarios, but not… whatever this is,” said one officer while wiping slush off his badge. “They were going at least one-and-a-half, maybe two whole miles an hour!” Students studying in nearby libraries reported sudden thuds, shrieks, and what sounded like “a grown man screeching while sliding past Olin steps.”
As finals season looms, some students said the spectacle briefly restored their will to live. “It’s the most joy I’ve felt in weeks,” said one sophomore who witnessed an officer complete a surprisingly elegant 360-degree wipeout. “If they graded that like a prelim, he’d curve the whole class.”
With more snow on the way, CUPD is reported to increase its slope presence in the Spring semester, armed with “proper sledding equipment”, facial-recognition scanners, and what one spokesperson called “a profound emotional readiness to get back out there if evil strikes again.”
