ITHACA, NY—In a dramatic break from their usual routine of arresting kids on scooters, members of the Cornell University Police Department were spotted barreling down Libe Slope on borrowed dining trays and tables this past weekend in hot pursuit of “extremely evil” students reportedly vandalizing the hill with “even more evil sleds and stuff.” Witnesses…
MANN LIBRARY— University staff may have noticed that students have recently become more fatigued, irritable, and emotionally volatile. A new research investigation provides an answer while putting a new spin on the term big red. “It’s a phenomenon called study period, where the student body sheds their outlining to expel final papers and exams, leading…
OLIN LIBRARY—The left elevator in Olin Library, a beloved campus fixture, was found dead at Level B on Wednesday, according to an email sent by Cornell Administration. The elevator lived a long life dedicated to service, ushering thousands of students to Olin’s many floors. Students have already begun to feel its absence, especially during such…
URIS LIBRARY—Continuing the ongoing “redistricting war” by responding to actions from the Texas legislature and California Governor Gavin Newsom, New York Governor Kathy Hochul has unveiled a plan of her own to give Democrats a partisan advantage in her state. The plan, which will carve Ithaca into four new districts, also cuts right through Cornell’s…
MORRISON DINING—Last week, a feasting legend was immortalized in the rafters of Morrison Dining as Clark Ewers (5’11”, 342 lbs) was officially inducted into the Dining Hall of Fame (DHOF). Ewers’ illustrious career includes two MVP (Most Valuable Porker) awards, seven First Team All-Plump selections, a Rookie Eater of the Year title, and the coveted…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL—In celebration of his 100th birthday, Willard Straight Hall ‘25 announced his candidacy for Congress last Monday, stirring confusion across campus. Students, under the impression that buildings and politicians could not feel or think, flocked to a press conference the following day to witness the giant structure speak. “There comes a time in…
