ARTS QUAD—Throughout Upstate New York, arctic blast weather patterns have produced extreme outdoor conditions, subzero windchills, and heavy winter precipitation. The dangerously low temperatures have forced students across campus to deploy advanced protective gear: trendy little multicolored scarves.
“On one hand, the Real Feel is -30 degrees,” reasoned Eileen Martin ‘28. “On the other, I really need to accessorize my white top and jeans.” Martin was later observed shivering uncontrollably while wearing an adorable crochet neck scarf.
Meteorology student Katherine Thatcher ‘27 analyzed Martin’s strategy, explaining that “while pastel rainbow fuzzy scarves are, like, really freaking cute, they aren’t actually adequate protection against frostbite.” However, Thatcher’s warnings appear not to have reached hundreds of sorority initiates, Pinterest users, and fashion students across the university.
At time of press, unsubstantiated reports have indicated that gloves and mittens are “so out.”
