COLLEGETOWN—Volleys of espresso shots pounded Qahwah House early Friday morning as CTB fired the opening salvos of a war that threatens to engulf the entire Collegetown restaurant scene.
Bagelian President Augusto Brous declared war on Qahwah House soon after CTB’s armed forces launched their caffeinated attack. The invasion, dubbed Operation Panini Press, comes after a breakdown in CTB–Qahwah negotiations over the coffee and pastry trades. Brous, who took power in a Cornell-backed military coup in 1981, has repeatedly called Qahwah House an “illegitimate establishment” and promoted what many culinary rights groups describe as sandwich supremacism.
Qahwah soldiers guard their capital against caffeinated attacks
Souvlaki House, a longtime Bagelian ally, immediately pledged its support to CTB’s offensive. “There can only be one restaurant called ‘house’ in Collegetown,” said ruling General Georgios Papachryssanthou, “and it must be based on a medley of Greek, Italian, and American cuisine!” Skirmishes between Souvlaki and Four Seasons troops have already been reported, sparking fears that the restaurant’s military government may take advantage of the war to annex their rival across the road. (The Souvlaki junta has frequently espoused anti-barbecue rhetoric and questioned the sovereignty of Four Seasons.)
Souvlaki House’s ruling junta has pledged support to CTB, attacked Four Seasons
Many fear that longstanding tensions between Hideaway and Level B may also now break into open warfare. Level B’s recent B-listic missile tests have unnerved Hideaway’s leadership, who have accelerated their own Blowaway rocket development. At press time, there have been scattered reports of combat across the Eddy Street demilitarized zone, as well as large-scale movement of bouncers on both sides.
Level B has unnerved rival Hideaway with recent B-listic missile tests
Qahwah President Ali Alhasbani has appealed to Cornellian President Michael Kotlikoff for assistance. While the University has historically maintained close ties with CTB, it is unclear how its leadership will respond to such brazen Bagelian aggression. Cornell’s nearby Cascadilla Base has been put on high alert, but Kotlikoff has only stated that Cornell must exercise restraint in using its geopolitical voice, and will only intervene in wars that pertain to “its core mission, values or functions.”
Cornell’s Cascadilla Base is on high alert
