DAY HALL—A new University report released by the Office of Student Life yesterday found that students need to be better supported through struggles with mental health, post-grad career stress, and heavy workloads, but that, ugh, it sounds like so much work, though!
The report confirmed previous allegations that the University needs to take better care of its student body, but that doing so would require, like, tons of labor on their part, and it’d kinda just become a whole thing.
Ryan Lombardi, the Vice President for Student & Campus Life, whose office’s research substantiated the findings, believes that their work is integral to improving student life at Cornell, but also that implementation would lowkey take forever and just sorta be a pain in the ass for everyone involved, so why even bother?
“Our recommendation to the University is to begin by offering high-quality mental health services that are both highly publicized and accessible to students,” Lombardi said. “It’d take months of commitment, though, and no one wants to deal with that, right? God, I’m exhausted even talking about it.”
One section in the report details how the heavy workload that Cornell students have become accustomed to promotes unhealthy sleep patterns. To address this, the report says, Cornell Administration would have to do a whole bunch of administrative shit that would take, like, literally hours upon hours of work and totally eat up their entire lives.
“We find in this report that the amount of work expected to be completed by Cornell students has destroyed their diets and sleep cycles,” the report reads. “Addressing these serious health issues will take mountains of time and effort, so we suggest the University get somebody else to do it because ain’t nobody got time for that.”
President Michael Kotlikoff commented on the report via email yesterday night, saying that while he understands students’ concerns and has read the report himself, sometimes a bitch just needs a break, damn.
“Being president is, like, so much work all the time, y’know?” Kotlikoff wrote. “Ugh, I hate to be that guy, but I just totally don’t have the mental headspace for this right now. Sorry. Bye.”
