COLLEGETOWN — Junior Jake Evans reported today that the apartment he’d be living in next year was, “An affordable place, close to campus, and virtually impossible to escape in the event of a fire or other emergency.” Chatting with friends over coffee, Evans mentioned that his apartment was likely to become “his tomb,” and that…
MALOTT HALL — Everyone seems to think Professor Strogatz teaches differential equations phenomenally, so someone please tell me why I’ve spent the last three hours trying to convert two fifths into decimal format? I’m convinced Strogatz doesn’t even have the proper credentials to teach at an institution like Cornell. He boasted about how he learned…
BAKER FLAGPOLE – Trudging through the cold February flurries to the West Campus bus stop, hundreds of students are heading home for the long Fall Break weekend. “My girlfriend and I were both too busy to actually be together on Valentine’s Day, so this Fall Break is our chance to make up for it. We’re…
DAY HALL — Following the Cornell Board of Trustees vote to increase tuition by 3.75%, a team of financial wellness scientists released a report detailing how, if tuition levels continue to grow at the current rate, Cornell’s campus will be unable to support students in just seven years. “While a higher tuition will help fund…
COLLEGETOWN — CS 2110 Teaching Assistant Benjamin Rosier ’17 went wild with excitement Monday when he received an email from one Samantha M. Dalton ’20 that was signed at the bottom “Love, Sam.” According to reports from Rosier, the body text of the email was otherwise quite cryptic, with no overt romantic intent. “She was…
DAY HALL — Following increased calls for transparency, CUPD has decided that in addition to using body cameras, it will Snapchat every arrest it makes in an attempt to gain the trust of the Cornell community. Under the handle “coolcopz”, Cornell’s finest will keep their Snapstory updated with a constant feed of misdemeanors and faceswaps…
DAY HALL — A recent report by the U.S. Department of Education’s Office of Civil Rights, which named Cornell the university with the highest number of active Title IX investigations, has landed atop a growing heap of Title IX emails in the university’s spam folder. “Initially, I was pleasantly surprised by how bare the Cornell…
ENGINEERING QUAD – Despite efforts to increase the presence of snow vaginas on college campuses, they continue to be vastly outnumbered by snow penises. The low numbers of female genitalia in snow sculptures has been a consistent national epidemic, especially in fields in front of STEM buildings, but some believe the gender gap should exist….
COURT HALL — Stating earlier today that he “went to prep school,” freshman prep school kid Davison Williams has repeated that he went to a prep school. “I attended a private boy’s academy in Connecticut, along with His Excellency The Prince of Kuwait, or have I already mentioned that?” asked Williams, taking every opportunity in…
GOLDWIN SMITH – Stating that the dichotomy between good and evil was a theme in both John Milton’s oeuvre Paradise Lost and the championship football game between the New England Patriots and the Atlanta Falcons, comparative literature student William Perkins ‘18 hastily related his reading from the previous night to Super Bowl LI during discussion….
