HO PLAZA – A march for white civil rights and recognition, organized by the Union of White Cornell Students, occurred on Ho Plaza today, however it was largely unnoticed due to the march being nearly indistinguishable from the normal pedestrian traffic of students on campus. “That march was today? I was out here giving out…
NEWMAN ARENA — The men’s basketball team was able to avoid embarrassment on a national stage in the NCAA tournament last night by not participating in said tournament. “It sure would have been tough to see our boys get clobbered by some power conference school like Duke or Kentucky,” expressed Dylan Harris ‘18, point guard…
LOS ANGELES, CA — Hollywood has been abuzz this week as legendary director Steven Spielberg has announced he will be directing his new film Archaeology 2140 on Cornell University’s campus, starring none other than Academy Award-Nominated Actor Harrison Ford. Amblin Entertainment reports principal photography will begin next semester on-location in Uris Hall, with the film…
SILICON VALLEY — Snapchat employee Jackson Walter, the Ivy League Snap Story administrator, has reported that his duty selecting the best of the worst submissions to the image/video based social media app from eager, attention-seeking Ivy League students has left him dead inside. Ivy League students have been sending everything from selfies to pictures of…
My name is Paul Goodman and I am, in fact, in a secret society. That’s right — I’m in Quill and Dagger. I really want to emphasize that though I am actively telling you that I am in a secret society, I really would appreciate if you kept this information to yourself. I’m only telling…
WILLARD STRAIGHT HALL — After dropping out of the race for the Republican nomination, retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson inexplicably showed up on the Cornell Student Assembly ballot earlier today. “When I logged on to vote, I saw Ben Carson’s shining face staring at me,” said Alex Li ‘19. “I refreshed the page and tried to…
TOMPKINS COUNTY — Hundreds of dustbowl farmers in the greater Tompkins County area are rejoicing at the coming of the rain, after months of drought brought no crops to their land. “Madge! Madge, get out here, you’re not gonna believe this!” cried Ernest Young, finally seeing the thick storm clouds form overhead and drop a…
HO PLAZA, BASE OF OPERATIONS – The Ithaca sector of the Girl Scouts of America have entered the next phase of their campus infiltration, as dozens of six-year-olds and their parents enforce their confection-based fascist agenda outside of Willard Straight Hall. “These freethinkers will pay for not accepting our cookies as mandated by the constitution…
DONLON HALL — The lucky winner of a coveted 5 PM time slot and a single in Bethe Hall during the housing lottery for the upcoming fall semester does not want to be the subject of mass media frenzy or be in the public eye whatsoever, and has elected to collect her winnings but remain anonymous….
IVES HALL – Following a poor grade on his latest ILR prelim, Lenny Holt ’18 was reported as feeling surprisingly okay, under the realization that a bad grade wasn’t going to ruin his life and there were worse situations to be in. Given this new perspective, Holt allegedly went on to take a deep breath…
